Yesterday we had a birthday party for Miss Katie. This photo pretty much sums up her day. She had a wonderful time. There were two babies, she held both, a dog, potato chips, old friends and a birthday cake. As you can see by the look on her face, she loved it. She actually vibrates when she's excited. The dog was pretty excited too, hopeful that some cake might fall.
My grandson sleeping, blissfully unaware of any undercurrents that his very existence has stirred up. He's a sweet little baby, easygoing, often hungry and learning to interact with everyone, smiling and making noises.
My son says he's sober, except he's smoking weed. Yesterday morning his hands were shaking when he was here but no smell of liquor. He tells me he's not lying, but is that a lie? He gets angry/irritated because he is not believed but those are the consequences of a lifetime spent lying. He looks like shit.
When I went to pick up my grandson yesterday morning from his mama's place, I couldn't wake her up. My grandson woke up and was crying so I reached over her snoring body and picked him up, fed him and took him home with me. I left her a text message letting her know where he was. She knew I was picking him up at 9:30.
Later when we went out grocery shopping together I could smell a hangover on her breath. So I wait and watch. She is a good mama but she has her own problems.
So I worry, which does me no good. My muscles are seizing up. My back is so painful from tight muscles.
Katie has dental surgery tomorrow morning. She needs a general anesthetic for any dental work. I asked her father to take her tomorrow because he's here visiting her all weekend. He said he can't, he's working. So the big guy and I took tomorrow off, because we work too, and we'll take her. This burns my ass. No thank you from him, for arranging everything, for getting her history and physical done by her doctor, no thank you for filling in all the forms, no thank you for using my vacations days to care for my daughter. I think this may be sitting in the muscles of my back as well. There is still anger there.
Katie met her new psychiatrist on Friday. He was kind, observant and well informed. He'd read her file. He asked why my son, the oldest in the family, wasn't Katie's alternate guardian. I told him that my son was a an alcoholic and drug addict who was in jail when Katie's guardianship went through. He looked at me and said, "You have a lot on your plate." And I wonder if I attract shit into my life or it just happens. Do I cope poorly or well with all the shit in my life? I have no way of knowing. I only know my own life, I don't know the lives of others.
This was my view yesterday morning on my walk in the river valley before work. This morning we couldn't even see the downtown skyline because of the smoke from the forest fires raging north of us. High Level is almost 750 km north of us and the wind has driven the smoke south. The sun is an eerie orange color and it smells like smoke.
The trees are all blooming which is lovely.
The poor cat hasn't figured out how to open the retractable screen door, yet. I imagine she will. The dog has it figured out. She just runs at if head on and it snaps back. We have a neighbor cat that spends a lot of time outdoors; it was a barn cat when it was born. The little girl next door loves picking him up and throwing him outside. I like seeing cats outside, despite the coyotes and cars but our cat takes a much dimmer view of having a strange cat in her yard, eating her catnip, laying on her deck. Bagheera now spends countless hours staring out of the window, ever vigilant.
I'm feeling much better. I stopped the pepcid and three days later the depression has lifted, no thoughts of death. My doctor doesn't really believe me but this is the second time that this has happened on pepcid and it happens very quickly; I go straight to feeling suicidal which is very scary. I can take pepcid once in awhile but if I take it daily, it's bad.
I'm going to pick up my grandson soon and we're going to the nursery to buy more plants. The big guy has built me another planter and he requested vegetables and herbs, so we're off.
This photo is what I feel like today, dark and grey. Depression has descended once again and I hate depression. It hit full force yesterday but I think it's been building for a couple of weeks. Three weeks of being short staffed, really sick patients and an ungrateful son who brings his own grey cloud with him wherever he goes.
My feet have been really sore and the extensor tendonitis came back so I had to take naproxen for a few days which upsets my stomach and gives my heartburn, so I take Pepcid more than I should and then depression sets in and it feels like it's here forever.
I know it will pass. I know this but it doesn't feel like it. I keep crying. I keep doing my usual stuff. This weekend I baked, worked in the yard, planted more perennials, cleaned the house and did the laundry but all of it felt like I was moving through molasses. Everything was hard but I didn't want to stop moving. The world is grey and slow and I want to lay down and just stop moving. The day is endless and something to be endured.
I know it will pass.
Update. I'm starting to feel much better. Thank you everyone for the kind words.
Nothing much going on in my life. The co-worker who drives me nuts is back to her old tricks, making mountains of out molehills. That woman doesn't have a clue. She was a team player for almost two months but that's over.
My garden is up and growing. Veg are planted. I'll fertilize the lawn today after I cut it.
I'm feeling irritable today but not sure why.
Solved my problem. I went outside and worked in the garden, then I cleaned out and rearranged my mud room. Got rid of some of that unwanted, irritable energy.