Friday, 1 January 2021

Lucy and the cat have begun sharing my chair.  It's weird for everybody.

Dog walk the other day.  

The little guy is back with us for a couple of nights while his mama works.  He was with his other grandparents for almost a week so it was a good break for us, even though we missed him.  Poppa missed building towers with him while he was gone.

Heidi seems to have settled in completely to our home.  It's been almost a year since we adopted her and she has relaxed and become her true self.

As for me, I had a good rest and recharged my batteries.  Back to work on Monday, I need to remember that I can't control anything and that I  need to mind my own business.  I will also stop giving so much at work.  My employer doesn't give a shit about me or if I work until I burn myself out.  I will simply be replaced so I need to find a way to balance my work life.  So easy to say after a week of rest, so hard to do when I'm tired. 

It's been a stressful year for the world.  I live with chronic depression so I've actually done pretty well getting through this year and taking care of my grandson.  I don't give myself enough credit.  

I'm definitely a twisted tree:)

Stolen from Catalyst.  A pretty accurate representation of 2020.

Tuesday, 29 December 2020

I'm working on the little guy's quilt today in my freshly painted sewing room.  I have a wall that I can put my squares up on to look at patterns which helps me a lot.  It's not a fancy quilt but I love it, especially the cowboys on the horses.  It will come together very quickly which is nice because there is another quilt, more complicated that I want to get started on for my "adopted" granddaughter.

The sun is shining and I'll take Heidi for a walk later to get our fresh air and exercise.  The chickadees are flitting about the birdfeeders and I saw a woodpecker out there is morning too.  

I want to learn how to let go of my need to control things because it causes me so much grief.  I know why I like to control things, less anxiety in theory but of course that's not really true, it just causes more anxiety when things  don't go as planned.  

I guess I keep trying and keep learning.  Fortunately the universe in much more patient than I am and provides me with endless opportunities to learn how to give up control, if only I would.

Sunday, 27 December 2020

I took Heidi out for a nice walk yesterday.  There is a spot on the trail that is very slippery and very steep.  I wear a long coat and now I just sit down on my coat, pull up my legs and slide down the hill on my back like a turtle, laughing all the way.  It's so much fun.  At the bottom Heidi checks me out to make sure I'm okay and then we carry on with our walk.

When I got home from work on Christmas Eve there was an email waiting for me from the manager of Katie's home.  The government had announced that people living along could visit one family on Christmas day.  Technically Katie lives alone and so we were allowed to bring her home for a visit.  

It was so nice to see her.  She was confused that we didn't go to the mall or the horse barns but she enjoyed seeing us and got to visit with her sister on a video chat.  Katie had lunch, opened her presents and then signed that she wanted to go home.  Not a long visit but a visit just the same.  On the way home we stopped at the dog park so she could watch the dogs from the car.  

I just finished reading a book by Glennon Doyle, "Untamed".  I quite enjoyed it.  At first she seemed quite entitled but as I read further she pulled me in.  It was her take on religion and god that won me over eventually.  She seems quite brave in print but I wonder if she is like that in real life with her loved ones.  I'm much braver when I write than when I talk.  Writing helps me sort things out while talking often leaves me tangled up in words.

I had a meltdown at work last week, not being able to see Katie, not being able to control things (the root of all my problems), fatigue from caring for the little guy and work.  I made it halfway through my shift and then left after I snapped at a coworker.  I apologized to her and she accepted my apology.  We're all tired and snappish right now.  It's been a long year.

My manager and I talked and she wondered if I even wanted to continue nursing.  I wonder at times too but I also don't want to be pushed out the door.  My manager said to me that it seems I am in her office every month telling her I'm done which didn't seem accurate.  So I talked to a young coworker and she disagreed with our manager.  I have complained and have been done a few times but not every month. 

The nurses in our department get very little support and have to deal with a bully of a medical director on a daily basis.  It is widely known that this man is a bully who bullies nurses, techs and others docs.  Nothing is done.  Three docs have left because of this director and we are short of docs because of him and still nothing is done.  I am tired of this.  I guess I need to deal with this.  Conflict makes me feel queasy.  I hate it and it brings up memories of my father angry and yelling and I feel like a small child again.  Except I'm not a child anymore.  I am a difficult, opinionated, kind, compassionate, hard working woman with a dark sense of humor who is deeply loyal.  And I can do hard things.

Sunday, 20 December 2020

I took the little guy for a very short walk yesterday.  By the time I got all of our winter stuff on and yelled at the dogs a few times because they wanted to come too, I was exhausted.  Being outside was nice though.

I took the dogs for a walk this afternoon.  It was warm and sunny which was nice.  Fresh air and sunshine.

And someone had decorated the trees on the path.  I baked gingerbread scones all day to give as gifts to my coworkers tomorrow which I'm glad I did but I am tired.

I told Gracie today that if the little guy is exposed to COVID again we can't take care of him.  She looked irritated with me but I'm not doing that again just because her family doesn't care about the restrictions.

I'm tired of doing the heavy lifting because other people are just doing as they please.  

Mostly I'm just tired.  And I miss my Katie.


Thursday, 17 December 2020

The little guy is with us again for five days while his mama works evenings.  He loves building towers with his poppa and then knocking them over.

I'm finally feeling more myself again which is nice.  I enjoyed work this week and of course my patients are wonderful.  I love making them laugh.  

I even broke the rules and hugged a patient and his wife on Monday.  He's doing poorly, his cancer is progressing and it breaks my heart.  I often see his wife because she works at the hardware store and I go there a lot.  Her heart is breaking too, watching her husband decline.  He's even stopped working which I gather for him is a big deal.  So both were hugged, fuck the rules.  Sometimes they need to be broken.

I'm off today which gives me a chance to catch up on housework.  Yay.  The older I get, the less I like it.  I was thinking about my mum the other day and how I wished I had spent more time with her, writing down her life story but instead I was always busy and now she's gone and the busy work still remains because it never ends.  The house can always wait to be cleaned but my mum will never be back.

I texted with my cousin in Florida for a long time on Monday night.  Her surgery went well and the mass was benign.  I'm going to visit her next winter if things go well.  She's the only cousin younger than me and I love her like a sister.  

It's supposed to warm up a little and I will try to take the dogs for a walk today.  Between the cold, the ice, the dark and the fall, I haven't been walking except at work.  Today I feel like slug.

My son has been mostly leaving me along although he did text this week to see if he could come over and take photos with his son, or have us come to their house.  We're in a lockdown.  There is no visiting, no mingling of households and he is not welcome in our home any longer but all of those things mean nothing to him.  He wants a Christmas photo.  

He says he's changed.  His wife says he's changed.  We'll see.  It will take him years to win back my trust and I'm pretty sure he'll go off the rails again before that.  Mostly I just want to protect my grandson from his influence, lies and manipulations.  

Christmas creeps nearer and as always I will be thankful when it's over.  I love the tree, I love buying presents and I love the baking but the actual day is always a huge disappointment for me so I'm glad when it's over.  Christmas does not meet expectations and I think I have movies and TV to thank for that.  Although there is one holiday movie that comes close to real life;  it's about Thanksgiving, not Christmas, but it's more realistic but even in this film the family is closer and more loving than my own family.  

Home For The Holidays