Saturday, 26 January 2019


One of my patients died on Thursday.  She was the lady we did the biopsy on only two weeks ago.  The biopsy that had turned into a shit show.   I remember thinking at the time how removed she was from everything, as if she had no interest in what was going on around her.  I think she knew she was dying but I was surprised at how quickly she died.  Her cancer grew like wildfire and now her family is left to deal with the aftermath.

I saw my grandson for the first time on Thursday.  I went with Gracie to the high risk clinic that she had been referred to because of the baby's kidneys.  Everything is fine.  His kidneys are fine and he is growing well.  Of course I cried.  I still worry about what his life will be like but I'm slowly accepting that I have no control over that.  I can only do my best, be a good grandma for him and hope.


And so life continues.  I saw my son briefly, told him that I loved him.  I hope he can stay sober.  Again, I have no control over that and I tried not to focus on it.  

I'm reading a book by Matt Haig right now, "Notes On A Nervous Planet".  So much of what he writes resonated with me.  The always waiting for when your life begins.  "When progress happens fast it can  make the present feel like a continual future."  "We are not encouraged to live in the present.  We are trained to live somewhere else:  the future."  I've felt like that my whole life and I struggle with it still.

Today is not what I look forward to, it's the summer, the holiday, the trip, the lunch with my friend, time with my daughter but today often seems like just putting in time until something in the future happens.  

So how do I do this?  Enjoy today.  Look forward to the future as well.  Why do I think it's an either/ or solution?  It should be a both/and solution.  Maybe I'm just tired.

The dog is waiting for a walk.  I wish it was sunny blue skies today but that's not the case.  Today they are grey which just feels blah.  I'm sure the fresh air will be good for me.



11 comments:

  1. I am so glad that your grandson's kidneys are good. Hurray for good kidneys!
    I love Matt Haig. I've not read that book yet but will. I do love his novels. He's so loving about humankind. He's got a tender heart, I think.
    And it IS hard to live in the moment. I need to try to do that more. Thank you for reminding me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love Matt Haig. It feels like he's been inside my head at times.

      Delete
  2. The idea of putting in time until...that really resonates. I do that most days, waiting for the highlights, which somehow are always down the road. I need to stop doing that. Thank you. I’m sorry to hear about your patient.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To be honest I think it was a blessing my patient died so quickly. I think she had accepted it but it must be so difficult for her family.

      I don't think we're alone waiting for "until" to occur. But when I look back it seems like such a shame that I spent so much time waiting for the future, not living today. I supposed some of my "todays" sucked pretty bad but still, I wish I had paid more attention.

      Delete
  3. The US images these days are freaking astounding. Eerie, really.

    The future. So uncertain. It's not a failure to drop back and just focus on the now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was blown away by the images. I haven't had a fetal unltrasound in 27 years, things have changed.

      Delete
  4. That baby will shine!

    I struggled with the concept of "enjoy today" until I left out the enjoy part. Just to be here is enough. And to stay with it even if it's not enjoyable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I understand and that is a good point. I like to avoid the uncomfortable or painful parts of life, skip over them if you will, but they are just as important and usually unavoidable. I don't have a chronic illness, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to just accept each day as it comes.

      Delete
  5. Sending love as you experience today in all its mystery and complexity, lives ending, lives beginning, lives in between. Thank you for introducing your grandson through the wonders of ultrasound science. Astonishing to know that we all have experienced what he is now experiencing in the womb. He is so clearly himself and no one else in that sublime portrait.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The Grandbaby is already Beautiful and I'm happy to hear, healthy! Yes, accepting what we cannot Change and Control is a Journey of sorts isn't it? Life is often very complicated and yet there is a Simplicity to much of it as well in the daily Living of it Mindfully. Finding the balance of both is the struggle... dealing with the complex while having inner Peace to just Be Present in our Moments, whether we have a measure of Control or not. I'm so sorry to hear of your Patient, yet if nothing could be done, perhaps not lingering in the suffering might have been Merciful.

    ReplyDelete
  7. aww,,,...beautiful flower.
    have a great day

    ReplyDelete