Thursday, 10 January 2019

It's nice to see some blue sky today.  It's been a tough week at work and I'm thankful I'm off today.  On Tuesday I spent three hours scrubbed in, wearing lead, assisting one of our rads to put a port in a patient's arm.  We had one port, no spares, no mistakes.  The second port that was ordered didn't show up in time.  Thanks Bard.

So of course a mistake was made but the rad I was working with fixed it.  Three hours is a long time to spend wearing a lead apron though.  It was exhausting but satisfying.

Tuesday morning before I scrubbed in for the arm port, a patient's husband ripped me a new one over the phone.  The sad part is, I didn't disagree with him.  He was right.  We had screwed up everything and nothing had gone as planned for his wife's biopsy.  His wife is on a blood thinner and we couldn't get her INR down.  It's technical I know but that part wasn't our fault.  All of the stuff we did trying to make arrangements for the biopsy were fucked up.  After hours of work, many phone calls, lots of running around from department to department for advice and supplies, we finally got the biopsy done yesterday.  I was with the lady off and on for ten hours yesterday.  A lovely lady who seems to know that she is already dying.  I was thankful we were able to get the biopsy done but to be honest, in the long run, the biopsy results aren't really going to make much of a difference.  Her cancer has already spread to her bones.  So exhausting but not really satisfying.  I did apologize to the lady for all the delays in getting her biopsy done and she accepted my apology with dignity.

Then on the way home there was a broken water main which seems to happen when it's cold and dark.  Took us forever to get home but we made it.

It's January.  Nothing good ever seems to happen in January.  It's cold and dark, although the sun has managed to drag it's ass over the horizon and is shining through the windows now.

Time to climb on my exercise bike and exorcise my demons.  I'm watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and I love it.  It know it's not real but watching strong, brave young women give me strength as well.  I suppose I was stronger than I realize when I was young.  I wouldn't marry my boyfriend when I found out I was pregnant, even though everyone wanted me to.  I put myself through nursing school.  I moved to a new city after graduating, even though I was terrified.  I found love at the ripe old age of forty-nine, a love that accepts me as I am.  I am enough for the big guy and that still fills me with wonder.  


  1. ou have such a hard job, and I'm so grateful there are people like you who do it. My husband had a PICC line in his arm for two months after his heart surgery more than a year ago now, and we had to deliver medicine in sterile steps morning and night. There is some PTSD from that time. I imagine your job must leave you with some form of PTSD almost daily. Your last paragraph is a beacon, so hopeful and insisting on optimism, despite your tough day yesterday. Your photo here captures that same spirit. And I too love The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I watched the entire two seasons over the holidays and can hardly wait for season 3. She is the epitome of resilience and optimism, and she inspires me, even if she is a fictional character, and privileged to boot. I loved every minute.

  2. I am so sorry for your very bad day. That would be exhausting.

    Glad you found your man! Everyone should have a person that accepts them as they are.

  3. Not only were you far stronger than you thought when you were young, you are far stronger than you think you are now. As Rosemarie said, your job is so tough. Not only physically but emotionally and mentally- all of it. And you do it day after day and you face your life square on and I admire that so much.
    I'm glad you got to see blue skies. What a joy when there has been so much darkness.

  4. You've filled me with wonder at the ever present reality of love. I first experienced love on a beach like that. Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for all you write, dark days included, and for the photos that accompany your writing.

  5. Yeah I'm not a fan of January either, and we don't have any blue skies here to make it more bearable!

    We all need to be accepted for who were are, but not all of us find that person. I'm glad you did.

  6. Jan sucks here too - hot as Hades. I don't know how you do your job every day and not go crazy. Having been on the other end a lot, I've learned a great deal about patience. And holding back tears. And stopping myself from calling doctors dickheads for being...well...dickheads. Your strength has always amazed me. And I never wanted you to marry Jerk #1. Jerk #2 I still feel bad about. Really glad you found lovable big guy. xx

    1. No you didn't tell me to marry Jerk #1 but my parents sure did and so did Loretta, which surprised me. Glad I didn't. Sending hugs:)

  7. In general, I agree nothing good seems to happen in January, except that it is the month I found love again (at the even riper, older age of 52).

    I feel badly for you having to take flak for things that really are just not your fault.

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