Thursday, 3 October 2019

This past week has been stressful at work.  One of my coworkers is a very difficult person to work with.  She is passive aggressive, lazy, slow, and generally inept.  She finds problems where there are none and doesn't see problems where they do exist.  She doesn't trust anyone, believes she knows best always and wastes patients' time.  What gets me the most is her inability to admit or learn from her mistakes.  We all make mistakes but we acknowledge them and we learn from them.  She doesn't, so for the past eight years that I've worked with her, I have watched her make the same mistakes over and over and over again.  It's tiresome.  When I point out a mistake to her, she blinks and then nothing.  No acknowledgement, nothing.  She also doesn't pay attention.  The other day she asked when we had changed a process at work and I told her about a year and a half ago;  that's how long it takes her to notice anything.

Anyway, one of the young nurses got a job over in nuclear medicine.  It's a full time position which is what he wanted.  He was probably the youngest candidate but he will be fantastic for it.  I urged him to apply for it and I'm so glad he got the job, even though it means we will lose him.  His present position was only temporary.

My coworker had also applied for the job but she wouldn't have gotten the position.  Her shortcomings are well known and nobody wants her.  To save face, she pulled her application and at the front desk, told the young nurse this news, including the fact that she didn't want the job, it was a terrible job and on and on.  She shit on his parade.  I know it's sour grapes but it's rude and unprofessional.  She continued on with this theme this week.  She told him that if he can't cut it in the new position, he can always come back to his temp position.

When I hear this I get angry and I feel myself absorbing all of her anger and dissatisfaction which brings me down.  I've felt tired and grumpy this past week, unable to articulate what was going on inside my head.  I can feel my shoulders tightening up and with that comes a lovely headache.  Writing this out helps me understand it a bit better.  I have been absorbing her negativity without realizing it.  I imagine the same thing happened with my ex-husband and even my father, two very angry men.

I know I am responsible for my own moods but understanding how my mood is affected is useful information for me.  I will miss this young nurse very much.  He is such a good person.  He's kind, thoughtful, hard working, compassionate, knowledgeable and eager to learn.  He was like a breath of fresh air in our department.  He gave me hope which I didn't realize until now.

So life goes on.  Another lesson learned, another season passes.

Saturday, 28 September 2019

I went out this past week to take photos before the snow falls or the wind strips the trees of their leaves.  I was happy with the results and even more happy that I took time for myself.

My grandson and his mama are coming for supper tonight, as well as my niece so I'm cooking and baking.  Tomorrow we have our grandson for the day which will be lovely.  Hopefully it won't be too cold and we can take him for a walk.

I'm thankful for:

wild blueberries
work that matters
a warm house
the beauty all around me.

What are you thankful for today?

Wednesday, 25 September 2019

We went to the mountains this past weekend;  it was lovely.  The funny thing is, I took this photo in Hinton, not the mountains, in the parking lot behind the Dairy Queen, because trees.

We took my grandson to visit his father last night.  We met at MacDonald's and my son set the mood by lying to our faces right off the bat.  Two weeks ago he called to apologize for lying to me and then wanted to visit his son.  Fine, we made arrangements then he spent the last week trying to alter those plans with us and with Gracie.  And then a lie, literally, first thing out of his mouth, while we were still in the parking lot.

He spent the hour pacing around the MacDonald's, holding his son, ignoring his son while he texted and talked on his phone.  When we got back to Gracie's place I fed my grandson his bottle and settled him for the night.  I love that little guy.  He has the most precious smile and he has a smirk already.  And his laugh, well what can I say?  Obviously the best baby ever born, which is exactly what every other grandparent on the planet says, and we're all right.  He gives me hope, even while all the shit carries on around him, he gives me hope.

I forgot my antidepressants when we went to the mountains.  I actually only missed a day and a half and I always wonder, do I really need them?  As we were driving home a song came on the radio by Bruce Hornsby, The Way It Is, and I burst into tears.  No idea why.  After we got home and I was working in my garden I looked up to find a dead woodpecker caught in some netting I had put out for my flowers to grow on.  I couldn't stop sobbing.  I do cry on a regular basis but this sobbing was next level crying so yes, the antidepressants while a nuisance, do keep my alive.  I tore down all the netting and filled my birdfeeders.

And now, back to work, back to routines, although I'm trying to break out of my routines a little because they keep me from trying new things.  I like routine but I think I like routine a little too much.

Work continues on.  New patients, old patients, dying patients, living patients.  They are my people and I care for them deeply.

Life continues on.  Winter is coming.  My garden is set for winter now, except for my carrots which I'm leaving as long as possible in the soil.  We have a tree which needs severe pruning due to black fungus but we need the leaves off the tree before we can tackle that.  I've taking up knitting again which I enjoy.  I have all of my mum's old knitting needles and I like to be able to use them.  My mum was an amazing knitter and I feel closer to her when I knit.  First I made a scarf for a friend and now I'm working on a shawl for my niece who has come back into my life and for which I am very thankful.

Sunday, 22 September 2019

Sunday, 15 September 2019

My week in photos.

My grandson ended up at our place for three days and nights, the nights are the important part here.  His mama was really sick, vomiting, fever and abdominal pain.  We assumed a stomach bug and didn't want the little guy to get sick.  She was also way to sick to take care of him, so I left work on Thursday and picked up the little guy and took him home.

On Friday, Miss Katie had a psychiatrist appointment which she couldn't miss so I packed my grandson and Miss Katie and one of her caregivers and drove across town to see the doctor.  It went well and Katie is doing well.  I drove Katie and her caregiver back to Katie's and then drove to the University area to pick up the big guy.  My grandson and I spent four hours driving back and forth across town, neither one of us were too happy.  Gracie was still vomiting and sick through all of this, laying on her couch, refusing to go to emergency.  She's terrified of hospitals.

Saturday I told Gracie the big guy was taking her to emergency, even if he had to physically carry her out of the house.  She finally relented because she was feeling worse and was not getting better.  The doctor thought she might have gallstones.  She got fluids and meds and then the big guy had to drive her into the city to another hospital.  Gallstones were ruled out and so was pancreatitis.  Thank goodness.  In the end, the doctor decided it was probably a stomach virus combined with the fucking keto diet she's been on.  She picked up the little guy last night at about eight pm and she looked so much better.  She missed her baby and wanted to take him home.  The little guy was happy to see his mama too.

These tomatoes have been sitting on my counter since I picked them two weeks ago.  I want to make tomato sauce with them but you know, babies.  I am beat, so is the big guy.  Three nights of interrupted sleep take it's toll much more quickly when you're older.  So does carrying around a little guy.  And all of that shit that I always forget upstairs, much more work when I have to carry a baby up and down stairs again and again and again.  My back is sore, my whole right side is sore.  This didn't happen thirty years ago when I had my last baby.

Hopefully today, maybe, I will get to my tomatoes.  If not, my young neighbor who was three kids and way more energy than me will be gifted with them.

On Thursday when we got home with the little guy, the dog had vomited a couple of times so I started off with dog vomit cleaning.  And then there was baby milk vomit for three days and then this morning more dog vomit.  Sigh.  The dog has always had a sensitive stomach, a beagle with a sensitive stomach is an oxymoron, I think.  So now I'm boiling chicken for my sensitive dog and she's passed out on the floor, still not feeling well.  Normally she sits on top of the big guy, if she's on the floor, somethings wrong with her.  We'll see how the boiled chicken works.

And me, I'm beat but I'm so thankful we got to spend those three days with our grandson.  Also very thankful Gracie is feeling better.  Next weekend we're heading to Jasper which I'm looking forward to;  we'll catch up with our friend there and spend time outside taking photos.  Bliss.

Monday, 9 September 2019

I got a few creepy comments on my last post.  The comments actually scared me enough to take down the post and to take my blog private for a little bit.  One comment when I clicked on the name took me to a blogger that didn't really exist, or more accurately, had only existed for a day or two.  Anonymous essentially.

My blog doesn't allow anonymous comments for a reason.  Blogging is a two way street where we interact with others;  it's a back and forth and someone building a fake account so that they can leave a somewhat ominous comment pisses me off.  This is my space to think out loud and  I appreciate kind, helpful comments because that's what I need right now.  If you can't be kind or helpful, please don't bother leaving comments here.

I'm also starting to use comment moderation to stop any unpleasant comments before they get published.

I would never allow my grandson to come to any harm and if I thought that was possible, I would do something about it.  His mama is imperfect and is struggling and we are trying to help her.  My grandson is a happy, sweet little boy who is doing amazing.  There are issues we are dealing with.  I do not have my head in the sand.

Monday, 2 September 2019

Friday, 30 August 2019

Life continues on.  My grandson has two teeth now.  We have to talk to Gracie about her drinking because she's drinking a lot.  I have so much fear and loathing around alcoholism.  It has been in my life forever it seems.  One alcoholic after another.

My grandmother was an alcoholic.  I never met her, she died before I was born but I can see now the damage she did to my father.  He was an angry, controlling man.  He wasn't a bad man, he was a very fearful man.  I can see that now.  When I was younger I only knew fear around him.  Until he died at the age of seventy-nine I was afraid of him.  He never laid a hand on me and after he died, my mum told me that I was his favorite, something that I did not pick up on in all the time I knew him.  I wish I could have talked to him as an adult.  We never had conversations.  He dictated.  He yelled.  He controlled.  He did not converse.

The next alcoholic was my brother in law.  He moved in when I was twelve.  My sister had left him and flown across the country to stay with us while she decided what to do.  About six months later my brother in law showed up.  I cared for my sister's children when her husband was too drunk to take care of them himself.  He never did stop drinking and died when he was the age I am now.

It goes on and on.  A lot of pain around alcohol.  A lot of bad memories so it's very difficult to remain objective.  I don't want my grandson hurt by a drunk mother and father and yet he will be and there is not much I can do to prevent that.  There will come a day in the not to distant future when Gracie will be drunk and yelling at my grandson.  He will not understand that this is about her and not about him.  He will think there is something wrong with him.  Her drinking will plant a seed of doubt and fear in him that will remain with him forever.  It will change him.

I'm trying to live day to day.  It's hard but I am trying.  I know I have no control over the future, or even today for that matter.  It's like letting go and falling.  It's terrifying.

My daughter is still angry with me, or herself.  Who knows?  My greatest fear has always been rejection and I realize now that I will survive even rejection by those I love.  I don't have to turn myself into a pretzel to be what others want/expect me to be.  I can be my own imperfect self.  Not everyone will like that.  But I will live.  And I continue to love.  I will cry and I will still see beauty in the world because there is so much love and beauty around me if I only take the time to see it.

Saturday, 24 August 2019

The sun is shining this morning.  I just saw a woodpecker at the suet feeder.  Our grandson is coming over this afternoon for a few hours and we have friends coming for supper.

It's the big guy's birthday today.

I'm thankful for the sun and the birds and the big guy.
I'm thankful I'm not obsessing about the future and what will or will not happen.
I'm thankful I'm just enjoying today.

What are you thankful for today?

Thursday, 22 August 2019

One of the waterfalls we saw on our to Vancouver.  I do love waterfalls.  They're right up there with trees in my estimation.

Life continues on.  I'm doing a good job of not being impulsive and doing stupid things that I will regret in the future.  I'm starting to understand and believe that most things are outside of my control.  I started taking CBD oil at night a couple of days ago and I'm sleeping much better and my knee hurts less.

Fall is starting around here.  Already leaves are starting to change color.  The shadows are getting longer and the days are getting noticeable shorter.  My garden looks worse for the wear.  Flowers are making their last ditch effort to reproduce.  My tomatoes are looking scraggly and the bottom leaves are turning brown and curling up.  Slugs and scarlet lily beetles are taking their toll on some of my plants.  It will be time to put the whole thing to bed soon and let it rest for the winter.

We took our grandson down to Red Deer on Sunday to visit his great grandma.  She has dementia but she was so happy to see him.  She still lives in her own home, supported by her children.  She asked us the same questions again and again and we kindly answered them again and again.  She has always been kind to me even though I broke up with her son thirty-four years ago.

The little guy was not a happy camper on Sunday and on Monday a tooth finally busted through his gums so at least we know why he was so cranky.

Drama continues to swirl around him and so far he remains oblivious to it which I am thankful for.  I am even more thankful that I am stepping back from the drama and not letting it affect me so much.  

I have buns baking in the oven and I will take the dog for a nice long walk this morning before I pick up Miss Katie for her doctor appointment and maybe lunch.  Gracie and the little guy are coming over for supper.  And I'm learning.  Learning to wait.  Learning to listen.  Learning to stand back.

Wednesday, 14 August 2019

A photo I took while at Shannon Falls north of Vancouver.  It's for the ceiling in the CT room, something for patients to look at while getting their CT scans.

I came across this website through a friend on Facebook, thanks John.

The School of Life and The Book of Life

I've found it to be a good site for me this week.  I'm struggling with an overwhelming desire to throttle someone and protect someone else.  I did not have good models while growing up with regards to dealing with stress, anger, conflict, etc.  My father shouted and stormed out of the house and my mother cried and manipulated.  Needless to say I learned both of these methods of dealing with problems.  I'm not blaming my parents, just stating facts.

My own children didn't learn how to deal with problems very well either.  I was depressed and angry and my ex-husband was a depressed alcoholic.  Poor buggers.

I am learning now and I hope that my own children continue to learn and grow as they mature.  I have always tried my best and still I fail at dealing with conflict in a constructive manner.  My fear of rejection is so overwhelming that it feels hard to breath at times when someone I love is angry with me.  It is physically painful.  I lash out like an angry cat and then curl into a ball to protect myself.  For fifty-seven fucking years.  I suppose there is hope for me in that I don't want to keep doing this and want to do better.  It's just so damned scary and painful.

I hate feeling vulnerable, like every other human being on the planet I imagine.  It's also so much easier to write things down than to speak them out loud.  I can cry and type at the same time:)

So today I am thankful the sun is shining.
That I got to kiss my grandson goodbye before they left for Grande Prairie.
That I'm off work today.
That I have time to relax.
That there is sourdough bread in this world.
That I can still learn.

Saturday, 10 August 2019

The big guy and I drove out to Vancouver to visit my middle daughter this past week.  I made a mistake and she was pissed with me.  I apologized and fixed the mistake.  I was truly sorry and what I did I did because I'm a mama bear.  I forget that she is an adult.  I told her that she didn't need to spend time with us unless she wanted to and I would understand.  She chose to spend time with us and then moped and was generally pissy for the two days that we spent with her.

There are so many things I want to say to her but I don't for fear of making things worse.

I'm not perfect.
I will fuck up.
I will own my mistakes.
I love you.

My middle daughter is a prickly young woman who thinks she knows everything, much like I was when I was young.  She is easily offended and very critical, again, much like me when I was young.  But I'm tired of being a disappointment to those I love.  I was a disappointment to her father as well and that probably carries some weight as well.  But I am tired of being criticized by a young, self centered woman because we have different goals in life.  

I don't know.  Maybe she thinks moms don't have feelings.  Maybe she thinks because I love her I will put up with it, because I always have.  But I'm done.  

I'm an imperfect human being who is doing her best to be a decent human being and I often fail and fall on my face.  I love deeply and I hurt deeply.  I am terrified of rejection and put up with a lot of shit because of this.  But I'm tired of being treated like shit.

Saturday, 27 July 2019

Things I'm thankful for today.

A glass of wine with peach mango juice and lots of ice last night.
Fresh homemade buns from my neighbor, pesto/cheese.
My garden.
A dog that makes me walk everyday, or just about everyday.
The big guy.
My grandson.
Automatic washer and dryer.
Get to see Miss Katie tomorrow.
I had a lovely dream about Miss Katie last night.  We were in a barn and she was independent.  She wandered around, spent time with a couple of beagles, rode a horse with someone else, played with rabbits.  She spent time with other people, by herself.  She didn't have to be supervised.  She was independent.  It was a wonderful dream that left me feeling good even after I woke up.  
I'm going to hang my sheets on the line to dry.
And bake some muffins.
And spend time with my husband.
And listen to CBC radio.

What are you thankful for today?

Thursday, 25 July 2019

One of the big guy's shots taken as we approached the iceberg that we saw out in Newfoundland.  Gives you a better perspective of how large it was.

I saw my counsellor this week because I've been feeling overwhelmed and depressed.  Mostly we talked about my son, an ongoing theme with me.  She pointed out that I should not be letting him disrespect me or be verbally abusive with me.  She also suggested I lower my expectations of him.  I expect him to tell the truth to me.  I find it disrespectful when he lies to me and then I get angry.  She suggested I meet him where he is, stop asking questions I don't want to know the answers to and accept that for now, he and I will not have a genuine relationship.

I hate being lied to.  My son's biological father lied to me about everything.  My son has a half brother who is only two weeks younger than he is.  Fortunately I didn't learn about that until much later.  When you to lie to someone you destroy your own credibility.  It makes a genuine relationship impossible because you have no idea of who they really are.  We all lie, usually to avoid uncomfortable situations or feelings and I get that.  I lie to myself all the time and maybe that's what bothers me too.

I tell myself that I'm fine, even when I'm not.  Even when depression is dragging me down into the black hole.  I hide my depression because it makes people feel uncomfortable.  Because it makes me feel weak, like I just can't deal with life and what the fuck is wrong with me.  Mental illness still carries a stigma.  According to Dr. Google, 5% of the Canadian population have reported symptoms of major depression in the last year.  I'm part of a group.

I work on not being depressed.  I walk.  I spend time outside.  I spend time with my grandson.  I ask the big guy for hugs.  I garden. I write.  And still it stalks me.

Anyway.  Enough.  I can accept that my son will lie to me.  There is nothing I can actually do about it.  It's his life.  It hurts me to see him flush his life away but there is nothing I can do that will change how he lives.  I always forget that I have no control how other people behave.

I need to change my perspective.

Monday, 22 July 2019

He who should be sleeping, because it's past nana's bedtime.

Friday, 19 July 2019

I'm not a young woman anymore and I'm starting to feel that on a daily basis.  My feet hurt all the time but they're at their worst when I stand up from sitting for awhile.  I have bone spurs on my feet and unlike Mr. tRump's, mine have not miraculously disappeared.  My back usually hurts, my eyes are crap.  I can't see with my glasses or without my glasses it seems.  That's not true but that's how it feels at times when I'm taking my glasses off and then putting them back on all day long, hoping to see clearly.  I have progressives but still it's a challenge to see clearly.  My left knee has started bothering me when I sit down or get up, or walk.  Getting down on the floor is way harder than it ever used to be and I've taken to washing floors with rags and my feet.

At work the other day, a young nurse I work with told me about electric mops and I was surprised;  one that they existed and two that they worked well.  She loves hers, although hers is a steam mop because as she put it, she is obsessed with germs.  I did a little research and on the way home from dropping the big guy off at work, I stopped by Canadian Tire and bought myself an electric mop.  I feel like one of those old grannies that used to talk about that new fangled fill in the blank.  

I took the mop out of the box, quickly took a look at the instructions and then proceeded to wash all of the floors on the main floor of the house.  My back doesn't hurt.  My knees don't hurt.  The floors are lovely and clean.  The pads attached to the mop were quite dirty and they're now in the washing machine being cleaned.  A good morning:)

It's been cool and wet here and this morning I finally gave in and turned on the furnace.  I don't remember ever turning on the furnace in July.  Good thing climate change isn't true.

On Monday we had a very scary patient.  He has bowel cancer that has spread and he is now palliative.  Apparently he had been seeing his doctor and complaining of blood in his stool for the last two years and the doctor told him that it was a hemorrhoid.  The man is sixty and should have had a colonoscopy but I don't know the whole story.  Anyway, he told the nurse, tech and doctor who were in with him while they inserted a central line, that he has paid thirty thousand dollars to someone so that when the patient dies, his family doctor, the doctor's wife and their first born child with be killed.

WTF!  The nurse with him was shaken up all day.  She has a year old baby and is still surprised at how fierce her love for her son is;  her first born.  She called security who told her to call the police which she did.  Later that day two young policemen showed up and took her statement, as well as those of everyone else who had contact with that patient.  Fucking hell.  I feel for the man and I would be mad as hell too but you can't do that.  You don't have the right to take the life of another.

Mr. tRump continues to appall me.  He is a despicable human being who appeals to the worst part of other human beings.  I continue to hope that he is defeated in the next election before his hatred can spread any further.

"Hope is a species of happiness, and perhaps the chief happiness this world affords"  Samuel Johnson

Thursday, 11 July 2019

We saw this fox while we were in Newfoundland.  I have no idea if it's male or female but he/she wasn't bothered by me taking photos at all.

I've been feeling down since we got home.  It's so nice to be home again but it's been gray most days and I'm stuck indoors again working.  I miss being outside.  My son contacted me again about seeing his son.  No apologies for lying, more of a "we'll just pretend none of it happened" which is his motto I'm guessing.

I called him on his lies and he got angry with me, accusing me of using his son against him and told me I am a horrible person for not letting him see his son.  My exact words were, you can visit him but I don't want you here if you continue to lie.  He refused to admit he had lied to me about anything.  He's not allowed to go to Gracie's house because there is a protection order in place because of his behavior last November.  Gracie's parents don't want him at their place because he's rude, unreliable and unpleasant to deal with.  I don't want him here as long as he lies and yet he still continues to blame everyone else.  It saps me of my energy.  I'm guessing he's so defensive and angry because he's dealing drugs again.  He has no job but has a new car, new clothes and an apartment.  He must think I'm stupid or gullible and to fair, I am gullible but not as gullible as I once was.

So there's that.

I'm convinced I have dementia because I have difficulty finding words sometimes or forget things.  In fact I just did a dementia test online and didn't have a problem with it so I'm sure it's stress plus normal aging.  I'll look at co-workers I've worked with for years and have trouble finding their name inside my brain, same with objects.  I was telling the big guy about what happened in interventionals yesterday and couldn't remember the name for a sheath until later.  The doc had put in a central line but it was too long so she did an over the wire line exchange which I'd never done before but it went well.  I'm able to do my job well but just can't remember things sometimes.  My daughter has the same complaint so it's probably not dementia.

It was nice to get back to work, even though it's tiring.  I love my patients.  I had a gentleman yesterday who's had four major operations in the past seven months.  He's eighty years old with pancreatic cancer.  I can't even imagine going through that at any age.  He no longer has any pancreas left so his blood sugars are very volatile and his sugar dropped quite low while he was with us.  His eyes were tearing up when he was telling me that his family had been talked to by the doctor when he was in hospital about the possibility of him not surviving the surgery and it's aftermath.

Yesterday I also had a woman only a year older than me with metastatic renal cancer who had a stroke after her surgery to remove her kidney.  She wasn't sure why she had been sent to us.  I explained what had happened and that she was with us for staging and possible clinical trial placement at which point she smiled and said, "Oh yeah, I remember now."

And then a mother and father of a two week old baby, the mother a new patient.  I think it gets to me more than I realize, especially when I'm already tired of dealing with me son.  I had a bad dream while I was on holiday;  a dream in which I tried to avoid ever having my son.

I need sunshine.  I'm having lunch with a girlfriend today which will help as well.  We've known each other for almost thirty years.  He son is a drug addict and her daughter's partner is a drug dealer.  Both children raised in a loving home with good parents and still drugs.  I'm so sick and tired of drugs.

While we were away we drove past a church or a school that had Saint Monica in the name.  I never knew there was a Saint Monica so I looked her up.  She's the patron saint of disappointing children.  There is a patron saint of disappointing children!  Apparently disappointing children are not a new thing which is somehow comforting.

Thursday, 4 July 2019

We're back home from Newfoundland.  I learned a few things while there.  Newfoundland truly is a rock, a really big rock.  There is rock everywhere with a little bit of soil covering the rock, or bog covering the rock;  a lot of bog which is not something you want to step onto, or rather sink into.  It rains a lot there and because it's a rock, there are lakes and rivers everywhere, catching the rain or sending it back to the sea.  Europeans started fishing the waters off the coast of Newfoundland five hundred years ago and fought wars over this Island.  Vikings used it as a temporary base for ten years for boat repairs and as a base for further exploration down into the Gulf of St. Lawrence a thousand years ago.  Who knew?

The scenery was beautiful and wild.  The people are lovely with a great sense of humor.  The villages are dying because of the collapse of the cod fishery in 1992;  there are empty and abandoned homes in small inlets up and down the coast.  Thousands of people left the island in search of work and many have never returned.  Thousands of those people now live in my own province, brought here because of the oil field work.

 Cape Spear, the most easterly point in Canada, enveloped in fog which later burned off and left us with a truly beautiful day.

And now it's back to reality.  There is laundry to do, animal hair to vacuum up and groceries to buy.  I have to deal with my son, again.

I saw my little grandson last night.  He's grown so much.  He's holding his head up so well, reaching for things, stuffing his hand in his mouth and talking.  Last night when I gave him kisses on his neck he was almost laughing.  He does my heart good.  Gracie and the little guy are coming over for lunch today so I get to seem him again today.  Sigh.  He's so damned sweet and easy going.  I have fallen in love with him.

Tuesday, 18 June 2019

We're heading to Newfoundland tomorrow morning, bright and early.  I am so looking forward to it and I'm thankful we are able to do this.  See you all when I get back.

Sunday, 16 June 2019

Yesterday we had a birthday party for Miss Katie.  This photo pretty much sums up her day.  She had a wonderful time.  There were two babies, she held both, a dog, potato chips, old friends and a birthday cake.  As you can see by the look on her face, she loved it.  She actually vibrates when she's excited.  The dog was pretty excited too, hopeful that some cake might fall.

 My middle daughter holding her nephew.

My, my middle daughter and my grandson.

Wednesday, 12 June 2019

A week in photos.  

The keys to the car my son is driving without a licence.  Rules schmules apparently.  

The big guy singing to the new guy.


The new guy sleeping after a hard day of eating and smiling.

Miss Katie after her dental surgery which went well, despite the sad face.  She was still drowsy from the anesthetic. 

A walk on the path amongst the trees, to soothe my poor, jangled nerves.

Sunday, 9 June 2019

My grandson sleeping, blissfully unaware of any undercurrents that his very existence has stirred up.  He's a sweet little baby, easygoing, often hungry and learning to interact with everyone, smiling and making noises.

My son says he's sober, except he's smoking weed.  Yesterday morning his hands were shaking when he was here but no smell of liquor.  He tells me he's not lying, but is that a lie?  He gets angry/irritated because he is not believed but those are the consequences of a lifetime spent lying.  He looks like shit.

When I went to pick up my grandson yesterday morning from his mama's place, I couldn't wake her up.  My grandson woke up and was crying so I reached over her snoring body and picked him up, fed him and took him home with me.  I left her a text message letting her know where he was.  She knew I was picking him up at 9:30.

Later when we went out grocery shopping together I could smell a hangover on her breath.  So I wait and watch.  She is a good mama but she has her own problems.

So I worry, which does me no good.  My muscles are seizing up.  My back is so painful from tight muscles.

Katie has dental surgery tomorrow morning.  She needs a general anesthetic for any dental work.  I asked her father to take her tomorrow because he's here visiting her all weekend.  He said he can't, he's working.  So the big guy and I took tomorrow off, because we work too, and we'll take her.  This burns my ass.  No thank you from him, for arranging everything, for getting her history and physical done by her doctor, no thank you for filling in all the forms, no thank you for using my vacations days to care for my daughter.  I think this may be sitting in the muscles of my back as well.  There is still anger there.

Katie met her new psychiatrist on Friday.  He was kind, observant and well informed.  He'd read her file.  He asked why my son, the oldest in the family, wasn't Katie's alternate guardian.  I told him that my son was a an alcoholic and drug addict who was in jail when Katie's guardianship went through.  He looked at me and said, "You have a lot on your plate."  And I wonder if I attract shit into my life or it just happens.  Do I cope poorly or well with all the shit in my life?  I have no way of knowing.  I only know my own life, I don't know the lives of others.

Isn't life supposed to be easier?

Thursday, 30 May 2019

This was my view yesterday morning on my walk in the river valley before work.  This morning we couldn't even see the downtown skyline because of the smoke from the forest fires raging north of us.  High Level is almost 750 km north of us and the wind has driven the smoke south.  The sun is an eerie orange color and it smells like smoke.

The trees are all blooming which is lovely.

The poor cat hasn't figured out how to open the retractable screen door, yet.  I imagine she will.  The dog has it figured out.  She just runs at if head on and it snaps back.  We have a neighbor cat that spends a lot of time outdoors; it was a barn cat when it was born.  The little girl next door loves picking him up and throwing him outside.  I like seeing cats outside, despite the coyotes and cars but our cat takes a much dimmer view of having a strange cat in her yard, eating her catnip, laying on her deck.  Bagheera now spends countless hours staring out of the window, ever vigilant.

I'm feeling much better.  I stopped the pepcid and three days later the depression has lifted, no thoughts of death.  My doctor doesn't really believe me but this is the second time that this has happened on pepcid and it happens very quickly;  I go straight to feeling suicidal which is very scary.  I can take pepcid once in awhile but if I take it daily, it's bad.

I'm going to pick up my grandson soon and we're going to the nursery to buy more plants.  The big guy has built me another planter and he requested vegetables and herbs, so we're off.

Monday, 27 May 2019

This photo is what I feel like today, dark and grey.  Depression has descended once again and I hate depression.  It hit full force yesterday but I think it's been building for a couple of weeks.  Three weeks of being short staffed, really sick patients and an ungrateful son who brings his own grey cloud with him wherever he goes.

My feet have been really sore and the extensor tendonitis came back so I had to take naproxen for a few days which upsets my stomach and gives my heartburn, so I take Pepcid more than I should and then depression sets in and it feels like it's here forever.

I know it will pass.  I know this but it doesn't feel like it.  I keep crying.  I keep doing my usual stuff.  This weekend I baked, worked in the yard, planted more perennials, cleaned the house and did the laundry but all of it felt like I was moving through molasses.  Everything was hard but I didn't want to stop moving.  The world is grey and slow and I want to lay down and just stop moving.  The day is endless and something to be endured.

I know it will pass.

Update.  I'm starting to feel much better.  Thank you everyone for the kind words.

Wednesday, 22 May 2019

Nothing much going on in my life.  The co-worker who drives me nuts is back to her old tricks, making mountains of out molehills.  That woman doesn't have a clue.  She was a team player for almost two months but that's over.

My garden is up and growing.  Veg are planted.  I'll fertilize the lawn today after I cut it.

I'm feeling irritable today but not sure why.  

Solved my problem.  I went outside and worked in the garden, then I cleaned out and rearranged my mud room.  Got rid of some of that unwanted, irritable energy.  

Saturday, 18 May 2019

Prairie crocus.  A lovely little flower that is one of the first one to bloom around here.

We had our grandson over yesterday for awhile to give his mama a break.  He's grown so much and looks at everything, pays attention, tries to copy your facial expressions.  He's such a good little baby.

My own son still doesn't get it.  I asked him to give us three days notice if he wants to come over to visit his son and he can't be bothered to do that.  It's not like I'm asking for two weeks notice, just three days notice because we also have a life and want to do things on the weekend.  But no, the world only revolves around him.  He's still not paying child support and last weekend when he was supposed to show up to see his son, he never did.

It's nice to have four days off right now.  The past two weeks have been really tough at work.  Short staffed and really sick patients.  A twenty-six year old girl who was palliative.  A forty-two year old woman with stage four bowel cancer, only diagnosed three weeks ago and already in agony and dying.  Old patients that no longer show up because they've died.  All of it is worse when there are not enough nursing bodies.

But today there is the garden and sunshine and birdsong.  Last night I went to the nursery after we dropped our grandson off with his mama and I just wandered around, enjoying all the flowers.  I bought plants too, obviously because I can't go to a nursery without buying plants.  I bought something called a haskap shrub.  It's from the honeysuckle family and is indigenous to Canada so I'm hopeful.

Right now the sun is shining and the sheets are in the washing machine and I'm off to get groceries.  I'm hopeful the garden and sun will work their magic and feed my soul.  

What feeds your soul?