Thursday, 13 December 2018


I'm not sure what to call the mama of my grandbaby.  She and my son were only together for a short time and she's done with him but not us thankfully.  I think here, I will call her Gracie.

So Gracie is going for another ultrasound today.  The baby's kidneys are slightly enlarged which of course I had to google.  Hydronephrosis, or enlarged kidneys, can be benign and fix itself at birth, so I've got my fingers crossed and am hoping for that.  Apparently it's quite common, 1 in 100 pregnancies.  I pray for the little guy every night, pray that he is healthy and normal, pray that he is nothing like his dad.  It's all I can do.

I wrote a letter to my son, I told him that he needs to get sober and stay sober.  I told him that he is not welcome in our home until he is sober.  I told him that his son needs him.  I told him that although I don't trust him, I do love him.  It's all I can do.

I'm off today which means Christmas baking, shopping for yarn and fabric and walking the dog.  We had freezing rain here on Monday which has turned everything into a skating rink.  I told the dog that I would walk her in the daylight when I can see the ice better.  She didn't seem to understand or care for that matter.  She's curled up on the chair beside me right now, sleeping hard.

Christmas is coming and with it the familiar dread.  It's strange really;  I love the lead up to Christmas, the shopping, the baking, even the decorating but the actual day is always a let down.  It's never as good as I would like or imagine.  In my head is one big happy family where everyone gets along, where people laugh and have a good time, where there is no drama, no tension, no drinking ( because even normal drinking now bothers me ), where it truly feels like Christmas.  Of course none of this is real, it's what I've made up in my head, watching thousands of hours of TV, commercials and movies.  I have been fed a constant diet of fake Christmas since I was a child and it sits in my head and pushes out real Christmas.

My best Christmas was the year after my ex-husband and I split up.  Katie came for supper and my two other kids.  My mum was still alive;  she was there too.  We had supper, Katie stayed at the supper table after she was done eating because I gave her the gingerbread house to deconstruct and eat.  We lingered at the table, relaxed.  While I drove Katie back to her place, my mum and kids cleaned up everything.  When I got back home we sat and watched a Big Bang marathon, ate peppermint cheesecake, laughed and relaxed.  My mum was still alive and healthy.  My son had not gone down the rabbit hole too far at this point.  Neither my ex-husband nor my father were around to darken everything with their mood.  It was my best Christmas.  Nothing special really, no TV movie moments, just peaceful and enjoyable.

What was your favorite Christmas memory?




21 comments:

  1. Christmas causes me great despair for a myriad of reasons which is why I love to disappear before it gets here.
    But I think my favorite Christmas was the one where I got a typewriter. It was ancient and heavy as lead (I think it was made out of lead) and I loved it so much. I was probably about eight and it was the very best Christmas present my mother ever gave me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Christmas causes despair for a lot of people and a typewriter sounds like an amazing gift. My favorite was an easy bake oven, started me out as a baker.

      Delete
  2. I know it sounds terrible but I can't think of one, because until last year I spent every Christmas day with my mother, and she managed to ruin every one. Although she wasn't with us last Christmas, for the first time ever, knowing she was alone in a nursing home didn't fill my heart with joy either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It sucks to have a mum like that. My dad was like that sadly. I hope this Christmas is better for you and your family.

      Delete
  3. I think I was 12 or 13, 1971 or '72. My family had huge Thanksgiving, Christmas Eves, and Christmas day dinners. 20 or more people always. Thinking back it felt nice to have such big get togethers. Anyway, this pecticular Christmas Eve we had a big white flocked tree, it was beautiful. And the Santa Ana winds that I loved so much were blowing that night in Southern California too. My Grandfather was still alive, and while I can't say what it was that has reminded me of this Christmas, I have remembered it like it was yesterday all my life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fusion I didn't know you were still blogging. It sounds like a lovely Christmas gathering.

      Delete
  4. All the Christmas Days since 2009. Getting together with a small group of friends of various ages, from numerous religious and spiritual traditions, including atheism, at 7:30 on Christmas morning to talk and listen and laugh and get hugs and give hugs and be grateful together for simple things.

    Sending much love to you and the Big Guy and Gracie and your grandbaby. Good to know that Gracie has not turned away from you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Friends are wonderful and to be able to gather together on Christmas day sounds amazing. Usually friends are too busy on Christmas day with their own families, this sounds like a lovely tradition.

      And thank you.

      Delete
  5. I guess my favorite Christmas would have been one when my daughter was young and still believed in Santa Claus. I'm happy you will be having a relationship with this new baby. He will love you so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I was a kid my mum would always put us to bed on Christmas Eve with our empty stockings hanging on our bedroom doorknobs and tell us to sleep fast. I never thought Christmas day would come and then magically I would fall asleep and then it would be Christmas morning and my stocking would be full.

      I guess I miss innocence, perhaps that's why I like small children so much, their innocence is so wonderful.

      Delete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think you've got it just right that the build-up to Christmas is what I enjoy most. The day itself ranges from "meh" to despair. That being said, the Christmases of my childhood were always wonderful because my mother just outdid herself. I hope that I recreated some of that for my own brood when they were small. I wish that I could go away this Christmas, but I can't. I'm a bit down and tired of everything, to tell you the truth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm down and tired of everything too. My stepdaughter still won't let us see our granddaughters and this time of year we miss them even more. I was hopeful that my son was telling the truth and that he was sober and that we would all be together for Christmas but that dream died a painful death.

      Perhaps we should run away and join Ms. Moon is Cozumel.

      Delete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I still follow yours and two others. But only you goes clear back to the golden days of blogging, even though you have changed the name a few times. I don't blog anymore though, Blogger tore apart my blog years ago. Thankfully I had moved all my posts over to WordPress where they are safe! I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I've changed it quite a few times. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas as well.

      Delete
  10. you have described how i have been feeling about christmas for years. that fake christmas on tv, it was real in my childhood, and now i just feel sad at my inability to recreate it for my children. who are no longer children.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe Christmas is only real for children. The adults all get to look behind the curtain, the magic is gone.

      Delete
  11. I loved Christmas morning when the kids were little. Now we're re-thinking how we do Christmas, filling it more with friends and activities this year. We'll still have a Christmas dinner with my grown kids and still do gifts and stockings for them (because I'm not letting them outgrow that), but I've scaled my expectations way back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's the kids that do it, isn't it? The innocence, the magic, the looks on their faces. I miss that.

      Delete
  12. I Love everything about Christmas, even tho' Hard Knocks Life has often gotten in the way of the Idyllic one... in my Head ours would be as Enchanting as the Surreal ones on TV too! *smiles* The Son is being encouraged to enter Rehab Tomorrow, I Pray he goes... he feels ready but it is a big scary step. He knows it will eventually kill him if he doesn't and he has a lovely Family. I'm glad you came up with a Lovely name to call your Grandbaby's Mama, I Pray the Child will arrive Well and Be Well. Virtual Hugs.

    ReplyDelete