Wednesday, 11 July 2018

My son fell off the wagon.  He was supposed to come over for supper on July 1st, instead he and his girlfriend got drunk and fought.  He smashed her TV and hit her.  This is the second time that he has hit a woman, that I know of.  The only reason I know what happened is that he left his phone behind and his girlfriend messaged me on his phone.  His defense is that he doesn't remember.  That is not an acceptable defense to me.  He is no longer welcome in my house and I am coming to terms with having an alcoholic son.  It breaks my heart and there is nothing I can do to fix him.

I'm coming to term with the fact that I basically have not control over anything.  I never did but now I'm starting to understand.  Not a fast learner.

I'm feeling out of sorts, not sad, not mad, just out of sorts.  The hunt is still on for a new group home for Miss Katie.  I am hopeful.  Last Friday the behavior specialist came out to my home to go over her recommendations for Katie.  She is not fond of the agency who now cares for Katie and especially dislikes that Katie is in a wheelchair with a cape on.  The agency's way of dealing with Katie's behavior was to put more and more and more restrictions on her.  I feel like I have failed her in someway.  It's one of those things though that happens gradually and it's not until you look back that you can see how far things have gone off the rails.  There is also the divide between the management at Katie's agency and the caregivers.  Most of the caregivers are sad and concerned that Katie has been evicted.  The management blames me and Katie for Katie's eviction.  

So I am hopeful that we find a better place for her to live with an agency that truly does want Katie to be her best and enjoy her life, not just put in time on this planet.

Things I am thankful for today.

A day off in the middle of the week.
I see my massage therapist and my counsellor today.
The sun just peeked through the clouds.
Rain last night.
Cinnamon toast for breakfast.


  1. My younger daughter is addicted to weed, and has border-line personality disorder, and lives her life in a way that I don't always approve of at all. Doesn't help that I'm a born again Christian, so a lot of what she does I find hard to cope with, like having unprotected sex with blokes she hardy knows etc. Don't get me wrong, I love her with all my heart, but I know there's nothing I can do to stop her acting in ways I think are sometimes dangerous. In other words, I understand.

  2. Oh, honey. What deep sorrows and you're right about your son- not one damn thing you can do except to let him live his life and protect yourself.
    I so hope that Miss Katie finds a good place to be.
    I'm thinking of you. I don't do prayers and I don't even "send healing thoughts" or any of that. But I am thinking of you. With love.

  3. Sitting here not knowing what to say. I wish we could get together so I could give you a hug. We could have coffee and use the word fuck a lot.

  4. I'm struggling with issues related to an older sister who is an alcoholic in deep trouble right now. I get it. Nothing we can do but love them and try to keep them from manipulating us into enabling their bad behavior. So sorry. The agency people make me angry. I hope Katie's next home is a good one.

  5. I understand about Alcoholism, have Loved Ones {not under our roof Thankfully} that struggle with it and with other Addictions. When they are Clean and Sober it is wonderful, but there is always that risk of the falling off the Wagon and having the vicious cycle continue that causes such collateral damage. A Big Virtual Hug is all I can offer, I do Wish there were solutions instead of just having a point of reference and an understanding. I do Hope your Dear Katie finds a much better place to Be and to allow whatever quality of Life can be managed. You have the weight of such heavy burdens right now Dear Soul... may the Caring of this Wonderful Online Community give you some small Comfort!

    1. The support of this wonderful online community gives me huge comfort. More than you all realize and I am deeply grateful for my blogging friends.

  6. Those shoes on the line sort of pierced me with their loneliness. I do hope you are able to find the perfect new home for Katie. I'm sorry about your son.

  7. Oh, no. How hard. I'm so sorry - that sounds just heart-breaking.

  8. deb, I'm hoping Katie's move turns out to be better for her. I don't like the sound of the agency she's with now.

    I'm so sorry for so much sadness and concern for the kids. I'm sorry to hear that about your son. Sometimes when you can't do a darn thing to change a person or circumstance, I think the best thing is to send blessings and let the energy of your good life wash over everything.
    I'm glad you have the big guy, and I'm glad you and he see and share the beauty of where you live.

  9. I Echo what so many here have said. And I too no the pain of loving folks that are harming themselves and others. May you feel the support of all that is seen and unseen with you.