Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Sturm und Drang

I'm feeling down.  Short days.  Not enough time to care for myself.  A friend with bad news from her scans.  Not seeing my granddaughters.  My son living with us.  It's all a bit much right now. 

My son got out of prison two months ago.  Strangely, nobody will hire him with his criminal record.  We told him he could live with us for three months and two thirds of that time is up and he has no job, no prospects, no money, no vehicle, nothing.  He had a scrap metal company that he pissed away and literally has nothing now.  It weighs on me everyday.

My stepdaughter told me, emailed me, that I am a liar and a manipulator who plays favorites with her children.  I've given up.  She will believe what she wants to believe.  And what I know is that the last time my granddaughter was here, she accidently spilled a glass of juice on the floor and then froze, too terrified to move, until her grandfather picked her up and comforted her, told her that everything was okay.  I know that terrified look, I know that terrified feeling as a child.  That's how I grew up.  Terrified of my father.  A father who never once hit me but still terrified me until the day he died.  To see that look on my granddaughter's face broke my heart.

Children deserve better.  Children don't ask to be born.  They arrive because of things their parents have done.  They are innocent and we corrupt them.  This weighs on me everyday.

My friend who used to be my patient has been told that she has a year or less to live.  She's planning her funeral now, still with her sense of humor fully intact.  We're going to visit them this weekend but she's in hospital now.  I guess I'll get to check out the Jasper hospital. 

I'm trying so hard to not be depressed.  I'm meditating, I'm doing that Tonglen thing and still all I want to do is cry and it upsets the big guy because he can't fix me.  I don't want to disappoint him but it just hurts so much inside of me. 

I know it will pass.  The clouds will clear and the sun will shine again but today it is sturm und drang.


  1. There is a lot on your plate right now. And I cannot imagine how awful it must be for you to be denied access to your grandchildren, it is an injustice. I hope you are seeing a counselor. Talking (and writing) about these overwhelming feelings help to dissipate the pain. I am thinking of you with love.

  2. 'Sturm und Drang' - i don't *like* it, but it sounds fitting for its definition. Thank you for including that - i'd never heard it before. Would love to try learning German someday.

    So sorry about your step-daughter. It can be a precious relationship. I hope yours morphs for the better. Wishing it the near future for both of you.

    Was an adroit eggshell-walker as a kid. Do you think it made you more perceptive of others' emotions and ultra-cognizant of your actions at all? I like to think it wasn't allbad. But it was all bad. Flowers growing in shise.

  3. My best friend suffers from depression also. But for all the years that I've known her I have never found any words that make it better. The most I can do is to sit with her through it. And so I also find myself without comforting words for you. But I am here, virtually sitting with you, and sending peace filled energy westward.

  4. It is so hard to watch helplessly, especially when children are involved. But you have already figured it out, in the end we have to be our own comfort, our own keeper and we are all suffering. Some days this is harder than we think we can handle. But we can and I hope and wish for you that it will get easier. Maybe writing it down already helped a bit?

  5. No one can walk the bleak paths of our minds alongside us however much they might want to or try to. The impossibility of it all is frustrating for all concerned isn't it. And yes we worry about disappointing those we love, and yet doesn't that pressure just add to the load already bearing down on us? Warmest hugs Deb, I hope things feel brighter soon xx Jos