Friday, 6 October 2017


I haven't been writing much for years it seems.  I miss it.  The words spilling out of my head, coming to rest, not on paper but on the screen.  The words are better out of my head.  When they stay inside of my head they spin and flutter and generally cause dis ease. 

I visited my aunt and my cousins which was lovely.  My aunt is waiting for god.  She wants to die but her body is not accommodating her just yet.  She has become dependent for almost everything physical.  She can still feed herself but is unable to even turn herself in bed.  Old age is humbling to say the least and she is fighting it with all that she has.  Mostly though she is suffering.  I pray that pneumonia takes her swiftly.

My son is now living with us again.  A year ago I would never have imagined that this would happen.  He cut me out of his life.  Told me to fuck off.  Told me that the best gift I could ever give him would be to never see him again and now he lays on the bed upstairs.  He is out of jail.  He has no money.  No job.  Nothing.  He has to start over again.  And the hardest thing to see, he has not really changed.  He has very little insight.  He doesn't like looking in the mirror at himself, none of us do.  He is selfish, self centered and vain.  I feel ill equipped to deal with him but I no longer worry about him cutting me out of his life.  I survived that once already.

My step daughter and her partner have decamped from the big guy's house nearby.  They lived in the house for two years without paying rent.  We wanted to help them out.  They had a young baby.  It would be better if she could stay home with the baby.  We said sweat equity, we said pay the taxes.  We should have had an agreement in writing although I doubt that would have changed the outcome.  My step daughter likes to live in denial.  Don't we all.  But sadly that world tends to kick us in the ass when we live there too long.  Long story short, they felt abused by us because they weren't paying rent or caring for our property and we felt resentful because her partner thought it was okay to buy guns but couldn't be bothered to cut the lawn. 

The kicker though, they left in a huff and told us we can never see our granddaughters again.  Because good parents rip people who love their children out of their children's lives.  I have no idea what my step daughter told my granddaughter about why she could no longer see her grandparents but I do know that it will come back to bite her in the ass one day because I've lived awhile now and I know that the past never stays in the past.  We carry it with us.  It intrudes on a daily basis. 

And so life goes on.  I'm sick now, coughing and hacking, sitting at my computer, watching the sunrise out the window.  Things will change, they always do. 

4 comments:

  1. Oh, so hard. i'm sorry. You write so, so beautifully.

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  2. I remember when your son said the best gift you could give him was to stay out of his life. You would think he would be eating humble pie. But like both my step kids, they are so entitled. It’s always us. Never them. Neither of them have their grade 12, nether drive or have a job. Both of welfare. The one who has a daughter lost custody and she is now living in foster care. But. They aren’t to blame for any of it!

    I have no answers. This generation is going to have a hard time of it.

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    1. My son is very entitled and my step daughter as well. I wonder if I was when I was their age. I hope not but I fear I might have been.

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  3. Oh god, this is all so fucking sad. I am sorry. You are one strong woman. I hate that your beautiful granddaughters won't see their beautiful grandparents regularly. I will hope that their parents come to their senses. Peace to you, woman.

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