Saturday, 23 September 2017


Off to visit my aunt today.  It's so hard seeing people you love get old and frail.  Fran wants to die but her body or her spirit is not cooperating.  She always was a stubborn woman.  I come by my stubbornness honestly.

I'll get to visit with my cousins as well which will be a nice bonus and I'm thankful I can give this small gift of time to my mother's sister.




Wednesday, 20 September 2017


My Mother's Hands

Things I'm thankful for today.

It's my birthday today.  I'm fifty-five.  Many of my patients never get to see fifty-five.  I am thankful.

I have a home.  There are so many in the world who have had to flee their homes.  I am thankful.

I have a husband who loves me, just as I am.  I am thankful.

I have a job which allowed me to support myself and my son when I was young and we were alone.  I am thankful.

I have friends whom I love and who love me.  I am thankful.

My children are healthy.  I am thankful.

I am healthy.  I am thankful.

I am flying to England on Saturday to visit my dying aunt.  My mother's last sister.  I will remember my mother.  I am thankful.

What are you thankful for today?

Saturday, 16 September 2017


Lessons I Never Learned

I didn't have Mrs. Nelson in fourth grade to teach me.  Fourth grade was the year I learned about bullies.  I learned that I was different.  That I didn't fit in.  I learned that a friend could laugh at your public humiliation.  I learned that life is not fair.  I learned that school could become a living hell.

I never learned to stand up for myself.  Never thought I was worth standing up for.  I didn't understand the unwritten rules of childhood.  Didn't know that people lie.

I never learned how to trust love.  It always came with caveats.  Do this, don't do that.  Never unconditional, always conditional on my behavior.

I never learned how to be honest.  I only learned how to please others, even at my own expense.  Never learned to speak up and be heard over the shouting of others. 

I never learned to be kind to myself.  Never learned how to love myself. 

I never learned how to let go and enjoy the moment or how to stop being afraid.

I never learned to be.



Thank you to Elizabeth for introducing me to the poet Brad Aaron Modlin. 

Sunday, 10 September 2017



I've had the week from hell.  Family problems which I prefer not to write about here right now.  But I righted my own boat which I'm proud of.

I saw the doctor on Thursday for a variety of strange symptoms.  Her diagnosis, stress.  I told her about my son and she said that he's a grown man, I need to let go.  And of course she's right.  So on the way back to work I stopped at a book store and a book jumped off the shelf at me.  "Maybe It's You" by Lauren Zander.  It's basically cognitive behavior therapy which has helped me in the past.  So I bought the book and I'm doing the work.  And I'm hopeful.  Even in the face of overwhelming grief, I'm hopeful.  That's something.

My son gets out of jail in two weeks, the same day I land in England.  He will be staying with the big guy for a week while I visit my sick aunt.  We talk on the phone quite a bit these days.  He's still using talking to obfuscate but I call him on it now.  I told him that he can stay with us for a few months but he needs to stop the lying and the drinking.  When I asked him why he drank he said because he was bored.  I called bullshit on that.  I told him that he drinks to avoid dealing with things, and he said yeah.  He's not really keen on looking at himself in the mirror to see how he is making his life worse.  It's so much easier to look outwards and blame others.  But all the shit in his life, he has been there for all of it.  He is responsible for it, not "others". 

I left my son's father when my son was ten months old.  I was his father for four years.  He was a chronic liar and an alcoholic, although at the time I didn't realize he was an alcoholic.  We were young.  We all drank too much.  I was angry a lot of the time and blamed him for all of my problems until I realized that if I wanted to make my life better, I could.  I left because I didn't want my son being lied to his whole life.  I thought I could protect my son from his father and his lies.  What I didn't count on was genetics. 

I need to confront my son's lies instead of avoiding them.  It's not okay to lie to me.  I don't care if he fucks up, we all fuck up.  That's part of life.  Come clean about it.  Apologize.  Do things differently next time.  Move forward. 


Sunday, 3 September 2017



We just got back from holidays.  Too much driving this time, although we did get to see some lovely, remote places.  It's good to be back home.  I love my bed and it was nice to have a home cooked meal.

The break from work has been a boon for my soul.  I read a very good article the other day about caregiver burnout.  A quote from the article, Practising compassion in an uncompassionate health system.

"The truth is, our health system rarely encourages or rewards compassionate care, or spending enough time with our patients. On the contrary, we work in a system that systematically bullies, brutalises and burns-out health professionals."

A part of me dreads going back to work and coping once again with the amount of work and a part of me is hopeful that I can make a positive difference in my workplace. 

My son remains in jail.  He calls often which is difficult.  I'm still hurt by his abusive words last year.  And I don't trust him at all.  He turned out like his father after all which is ironic.  I left his father when my son was only ten months old to shield my son from his father.  His biological father is an alcoholic, a liar and generally an asshole.  He would lie about anything and everything which is what my son does.  I wonder if there is a genetic component to lying.

Fall is coming.  The days are getting shorter.  The shadows are longer.  The nights are cooler and the leaves are starting to turn.  It's my favorite time of year.  But it always makes me sad this time of year too.  Summer is over.  The long winter lies ahead. 




Things I'm thankful for today.

It's my wedding anniversary.
My granddaughters.
My relationship with my daughter is good.
I'll get a hug from Miss Katie shortly.
Putting my garden to bed.
My home is clean, the floors washed, the laundry is done.
Homemade bumble berry coulis and cheesecake.
Time.

What are you thankful for today?






Friday, 1 September 2017