Monday, 15 May 2017
My son and I aren't really speaking. Last fall he sent me a series of texts in which he told me to fuck off and told me that the best gift I could ever give him would be to never see him again. That didn't stop him from repeatedly asking me for money. A few months ago he texted me to tell me that he had been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder.
My son lives with a woman who has three children, none of them are his. When he told me that he was diagnosed he also asked for money for his rent. I told him no but that I would pay for his medication. I don't know if my son has bipolar disorder or not, the medications he's on are antipsychotics and antidepressants. He was diagnosed by a doctor at a walk in clinic, not a psychiatrist. My son is also a habitual liar.
I have a very good friend who has bipolar disorder. It's a horrible disease. My friend was trending up into mania last week when we were talking about my son and she told me she was surprised that I didn't have more involvement with him because I'm so supportive of her struggle. I told her that I had to protect myself from him and that I don't have to protect myself from her. She is my friend, there is space between us. There is very little space between a mother and her child.
I want to help my son but he is angry with me. Angry that I remarried. Angry that I don't give him money. Angry that I don't do what he wants, when he wants. I don't know how to support him without getting sucked into his lies, so I don't. I keep him at arm's length to protect my own heart.
I just finished reading a very good book about bipolar disorder, "My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward" by Mark Lukach. It gave me more insight into what it's like living with someone with bipolar disorder and the effects it has on a family. But it also made me feel resentful, I already have one dependent adult child, I don't want to care for another one which makes me sound like an awful mother but it's true. I'm tired of taking care of others. I know it's not my son's fault but I can't deal with this right now. It hurts to much. Every time we are in contact he hurts me again so I do feel the need to protect myself.
I need to find a way to support him that doesn't drain me.