Monday, 1 May 2017

I just finished reading a lovely lady's blog and it made me think about kindness towards one's self.  I'm not very good at that.  I like to think I'm a good person but I know I can be very unkind, short tempered, judgmental and impatient.  Do those qualities make me a bad person?  Or are they just a part of me?  Like the compassion I feel for others, my sense of humor and my work ethic?  I guess I only want the good stuff and not the bad stuff.  Except are those qualities even bad?  Again with the judging:)

I still struggle with the fact that I dislike people, even if I have reasons to dislike them.  I don't forget when people hurt me or lie to me or stab me in the back.  Am I supposed to forgive everything and everyone?  I'm not able to hide my feelings.  Every single thing I think or feel shows on my face which makes it difficult at times.  I try and fail and try and fail to get along with some people. 

I think when it comes down to it, I don't trust myself, my feelings or my thoughts.  I second guess myself all the time.  Is this real?  Should I feel like this?  Why can't I be easier, less meticulous, more relaxed?  And yet I am relaxed at times.  I tend to think in black and white, either, or, when life is much more messy and gray and both at times. 

I doubt this lovely tulip worries that it is so different from the others around it. 


  1. As a fellow person who wears her heart on her sleeve for everyone to see, all I can say is, I understand. My greatest hope is not necessarily changing all the bad stuff in me to good but accepting that I am flawed. I am broken. I am vulnerable and very tired. All this crap from the 80' (think Nike's ad , Never, ever stop or the Go Big or Go Home or Never Show Fear...) Being flawed is so fundamentally human. We need to embrace it and love each other and ourselves and each other anyway. It is my absolute belief that our hope for mankind doesn't lay (or is it lie) in intelligence or never giving up but in Emotional Intelligence and being vulnerable.
    You are a lovely person. I have never met you but I know this. Your posts speak so loud and clear. Please, treat yourself with even the smallest amount of compassion that you treat your patients.

  2. My therapist talks about "integration" and how we can integrate all of these things into "who we are." I don't know if that makes sense to you -- I do think you are a remarkable person, an incredibly talented photographer, as well as a person who can articulate the most complex feelings and things in honest and accessible language.

  3. I was so tired when I made my comment. I hope the ramblings make sense.

  4. The first post of yours that I read quite a while ago, was full of compassion and angst and fear and joy and a little bit of anger. It was beautiful. Never change from that, Deb. It makes you perfect, perfectly human. I am so glad to know you and so glad to know you speak what I so often feel. You are a gift. Hold on to that.

  5. What Birdie says on top... I think you are terrific.