Thursday, 15 December 2016



I got this message from my son just over a month ago.  He wanted me to lend him money and I said no.  And then I called him on his lies.  He didn't like that obviously. 

He broke my heart, again.  He's broken my heart more times than I care to remember.  I love him but I don't trust him and I don't believe him.  I want to believe what he tells me because he's my son and I love him, but I also want to believe him because it's easier than seeing him for what he really is.  He's a manipulative, self centered, immature, angry, hurt man. 

I was never a perfect mother.  I was a deeply depressed mother who chose to get angry instead of sad.  If I had been sad all his life, I would have lay in my bed all day long, crying.  Instead I got angry and stayed angry.  Angry is bigger and more energetic than sadness.  Anger made me get up out of bed and cook meals and do the laundry and drive my kids to school.  Anger made me prickly and unpredictable but it got the job done. 

It wasn't until I was sweeping up the house that my kids grew up in, spitting angry at my soon to be ex-husband,  that I realized I wasn't really angry.  I was sad.  Sad that my family had been torn apart by me.  Sad that things would never be the same.  Sad that my ex-husband and I could not be what each other needed.  Sad that I had been angry for so long.

My son is thirty-two years old.  I need to stop feeling responsible for all of us flaws.  He's an adult.  His childhood wasn't perfect.  Neither was mine.  "Grow up already.  Quit blaming me for your problems.  They are of your own making."

My brain gets this.  My heart, not so much but it is getting better.   Christmas will suck and I feel terrible about that because I know I will be sad and I feel awful about that.  I've never really liked Christmas and this is pretty much the icing on the cake. 

I love my son very much but I refuse to accept his lies anymore; he's hurt and angry with me as a result.  There is a line from a book I read not that long ago, "The Humans" by Matt Haig.  The line is "I hurt and so I hurt."  I try to remember that.


11 comments:

  1. I can feel even from here, Lily, how broken your heart is. I know from such hearts. It is very hard to know the right thing to do with our kids, especially if no one ever did it for us. Your ability to write about it is such a good thing. I'm out here, good woman, wishing you some relief and peace.

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  2. That knocks the wind out of me just reading that. Im so sorry. My guess is there is addiction involved? If so, it's isn't him speaking. It's the disease. I have no answers. Just that you have a good and kind heart. And you are right. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his life. It is so much easier to blame though.

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  3. I was just thinking one last thing. My step daughters have a similar relationship with my husband. As long as everything is going their way and they're getting what they want they are happy. The second my husband stands up for himself or says no there are repercussions. So instead of standing up for himself my husband continues to take their abuse. It's wrong. That is not a relationship. That is an unwritten contract. You do what I say or I will end the relationship.

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  4. We are losing so many kids to addiction. Your post amplifies just how much this disease impacts everyone around them. I am so sorry you are in his line of fire. I have no advice, but am sending hugs and prayers that you find some peace.

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  5. So sorry. His meanness is written out like a true addict. Like Birdie says, it is the demon of addiction speaking, not him. I think you know it is okay to detach, and that doesn't mean you will stop loving him.

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  6. this was tough to read and i had to read it several times before i could understand why an adult child would lash out like this. all i can say is it's clear you will protect the love you have for him and yourself and that;s all you can do. i hope in time you will hear something different and i hope you know what a good person you are.

    i wish you a blessed holiday, deb. i'm glad to know you.
    with love
    kj

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  7. Oh, I'm sorry. Now I see what you were talking about on my post about my brother. What a heart-breaking situation. I hope that somewhere down the road you get some resolution.

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  8. I'm so sorry to read this.
    I think the most loving thing you could do - for both yourself and for him - is to remove that picture of his rant. It doesn't serve.
    Wishing and hoping things will be better in the future.

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  9. i'm so so very sorry for what your son did to it .... i hope u forget all his mistakes ..... because mothers always gives against the sons don't wait the good for them it is impossible ....

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  10. I'm here by way of Sabine's blog today. Have not visited your blog before. Thank you so much for writing this painful reality down and sharing it with us. It is too much for one person to carry alone.

    You have done a great service by writing this down because it helps heal my relationship with my mother and may help others to heal. My mother died in 1994. I am not bipolar but I was suffering from an eating disorder and alcoholism from an early age. Although I was independent and self-supporting at age 37 and in recovery from alcoholism and eating disorders and did not try to hurt my mother with words, I did go through a two-year period of time then where I did not want to communicate with my mother because I was so angry at her for being so angry when my sisters and I were children. That 2-year period of time began in 1987. Although I resumed contact with her in 1989 when I wasn't so angry, we had a difficult relationship, with hurt and anger on both sides that was not resolved before she died.

    I believe that my mother's anger during my growing up years kept her going, as it kept you going. She and my father did not have a close relationship. They fought frequently but stayed together. In the last year of her life, before her unexpected death from a massive heart attack, she told me that she was so tired of being angry. I wonder if she, as you discovered for yourself, was experiencing sadness underneath the anger.

    On the early December morning that my mother died in 1994 (I was 45 years old), I woke up with a feeling of tremendous anger toward her, my sisters, and my father. As I was having those intense feelings, she was dying. My family has never been the same since our mother died. She was the glue that held the family together. My father died in 2003, and what is left of our family barely holds together. I had never before and not since felt such grief as I did when one of my sisters called me at work to tell me that our mother had died. I understand my mother so much more than I did when she was alive. I regret that.

    What you wrote has helped me get in touch with the sadness that was underneath the anger I felt toward my mother. You have also helped me understand how hurt my mother was by my distancing from her for an extended period of time.

    I didn't mean to write so much about me. My hope is that there be peace between you and your son.

    Thank you again.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

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