Thursday, 15 December 2016



I got this message from my son just over a month ago.  He wanted me to lend him money and I said no.  And then I called him on his lies.  He didn't like that obviously. 

He broke my heart, again.  He's broken my heart more times than I care to remember.  I love him but I don't trust him and I don't believe him.  I want to believe what he tells me because he's my son and I love him, but I also want to believe him because it's easier than seeing him for what he really is.  He's a manipulative, self centered, immature, angry, hurt man. 

I was never a perfect mother.  I was a deeply depressed mother who chose to get angry instead of sad.  If I had been sad all his life, I would have lay in my bed all day long, crying.  Instead I got angry and stayed angry.  Angry is bigger and more energetic than sadness.  Anger made me get up out of bed and cook meals and do the laundry and drive my kids to school.  Anger made me prickly and unpredictable but it got the job done. 

It wasn't until I was sweeping up the house that my kids grew up in, spitting angry at my soon to be ex-husband,  that I realized I wasn't really angry.  I was sad.  Sad that my family had been torn apart by me.  Sad that things would never be the same.  Sad that my ex-husband and I could not be what each other needed.  Sad that I had been angry for so long.

My son is thirty-two years old.  I need to stop feeling responsible for all of us flaws.  He's an adult.  His childhood wasn't perfect.  Neither was mine.  "Grow up already.  Quit blaming me for your problems.  They are of your own making."

My brain gets this.  My heart, not so much but it is getting better.   Christmas will suck and I feel terrible about that because I know I will be sad and I feel awful about that.  I've never really liked Christmas and this is pretty much the icing on the cake. 

I love my son very much but I refuse to accept his lies anymore; he's hurt and angry with me as a result.  There is a line from a book I read not that long ago, "The Humans" by Matt Haig.  The line is "I hurt and so I hurt."  I try to remember that.


8 comments:

  1. I can feel even from here, Lily, how broken your heart is. I know from such hearts. It is very hard to know the right thing to do with our kids, especially if no one ever did it for us. Your ability to write about it is such a good thing. I'm out here, good woman, wishing you some relief and peace.

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  2. That knocks the wind out of me just reading that. Im so sorry. My guess is there is addiction involved? If so, it's isn't him speaking. It's the disease. I have no answers. Just that you have a good and kind heart. And you are right. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his life. It is so much easier to blame though.

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  3. I was just thinking one last thing. My step daughters have a similar relationship with my husband. As long as everything is going their way and they're getting what they want they are happy. The second my husband stands up for himself or says no there are repercussions. So instead of standing up for himself my husband continues to take their abuse. It's wrong. That is not a relationship. That is an unwritten contract. You do what I say or I will end the relationship.

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  4. We are losing so many kids to addiction. Your post amplifies just how much this disease impacts everyone around them. I am so sorry you are in his line of fire. I have no advice, but am sending hugs and prayers that you find some peace.

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  5. So sorry. His meanness is written out like a true addict. Like Birdie says, it is the demon of addiction speaking, not him. I think you know it is okay to detach, and that doesn't mean you will stop loving him.

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  6. this was tough to read and i had to read it several times before i could understand why an adult child would lash out like this. all i can say is it's clear you will protect the love you have for him and yourself and that;s all you can do. i hope in time you will hear something different and i hope you know what a good person you are.

    i wish you a blessed holiday, deb. i'm glad to know you.
    with love
    kj

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  7. Oh, I'm sorry. Now I see what you were talking about on my post about my brother. What a heart-breaking situation. I hope that somewhere down the road you get some resolution.

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  8. I'm so sorry to read this.
    I think the most loving thing you could do - for both yourself and for him - is to remove that picture of his rant. It doesn't serve.
    Wishing and hoping things will be better in the future.

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