Thursday, 25 August 2016

One of the big guy's photos.

I'm supposed to be taking a break from work today, a day to relax, but still I worry.  I was raised on worry, taught it at a young age by my mother and my father, fed a daily diet of it for many years.  The world is not a safe place.  Bad things happen.  Don't think that.  Don't be like that.  How should I be?  Is it wrong to be me?

Worry has carved deep ruts into my brain and my heart, ruts that sometimes I can't climb out of without help.  The worry serves no purpose but it is so familiar.  I wear it like a familiar old jacket.  It fits my body, although of late it feels too tight, restrictive even.  I recognize it's smell and the feel of it against my skin. 

I breathe.  I tell myself to breathe.  In and out, that this will help.  I try.  Breathe in, breathe out and fall back into a rut.  My brain races.  I snap. I feel irritated for no good reason.  I breathe in, breathe out.  I want out of these ruts.

I'm rereading a very good book, "Becoming The Kind Father" by Calvin Sandborn.  Although he is talking about men, his idea of a kind parent resonates with me.  I am not kind to myself.  I beat myself up.  I have a nonstop reel inside my head that tells me shit and pushes me back into those ruts. 

Who the fuck convinced me that I was such an awful person?  That's what I want to know.  And why?  Why did they do that?  Or was it just me?  Did I convince myself that I was this awful person?

I look around and wonder how others do it.  How do they get through life?  What do they tell themselves?  Would it work for me?  Is it even me?





 

4 comments:

  1. Great photo!

    When I think about worry I think about the movie Bridge of Spies. Whenever things looked really bad for the Russian spy, the Tom Hanks character would say "aren't you worried?" And the spy would reply "would it help?"

    The truth of that makes me smile every time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love that line from the movie.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for sharing about an issue many of us struggle with. If I may... my own thoughts and feelings and experiences... starting with I've found that I've never get answers when I search for them linear mind... only after calmness of mind.... then answer bubbles up from right brain. Left brain searches and searches... where are my keys? turns over cushions. What happened? What started what? One two three four, etc. And sure... sometimes can find important clues... but only after really letting go, becoming super detached... and going into right mind... where I'm okay with keys or no keys... cause known or unknown. Two... I recently made this art project... it started out as a birthday present as a friend but became something for me when I decided it might confuse him... lol... It's the word "mercy" stenciled onto American hardwood. reverse stencil. meaning the word mercy is the natural wood... surrounded by soft pink fading back out to the wood. a few others things on there. Main idea: mercy... at least for me... works like this soft pink on the hardwood... like water on stone... just being very tender... very soft... on something that appears unchangeable. Something like our human capacity for blame, self-hatred, and relentless driving anger. And mercy... begins for me. Three... I wrote a comment on 8th's blog... that I think when we are suffering we can fall into self-hatred because it seems like something to DO and sometimes in life... there honestly isn't much we CAN do about things... This is always hardest when we can't do anything about pain. I mean, yeesh, does it have to hurt that much?! Can't we make it stop? How about this? How about that? How about self-hatred? It's a kind of blame, isn't it? Aha! I have found the cause! Me! I started this shit! I hold myself responsible! And now I will be relentless angry with myself... because that fixes everything. Uh. Okay no. ;-) Thus... I made myself that art thing... and hung it on my wall... above my mirror. There's some mirror on the art thing, too... so that if I look into it... I see me... where mercy must begin. Much kindness to you! You are clearly such a good and committed to good person. Wishing you wellness. ZC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That should be mercy begins with me! not for me... but I guess the same! ;-) with me and for me... that's where it begins....

      Delete