Saturday, 30 July 2016


What is depression like?

Depression turns life into a gray, flat world.  Nothing stands out.  Walks with the dog become therapeutic.  Sitting in the sunshine becomes Vitamin D therapy.  Writing, talking, baking, become therapy.  It turns my brain into mush.  I can't remember things.  Everything that I need to do becomes overwhelming.  Nothing is easy.  Sleep is no longer restorative.  My body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds, something that has to be dragged everywhere.  Depression would be frightening if I had the energy to care. 

This year has been difficult.  Work has been very difficult.  No friends have died though which is something I'm very thankful for.  My patients keep on dying though.  Patients I cared about.  Patients I've hugged.  The deaths seem to have added up as a heavy weight on my soul.  A friend at work just lost his wife to breast cancer a few days ago.  She was my patient too.  A lovely lady, kind, gentle, loving. 

But wonderful things have happened too.  We moved into a house.  The big guy and I have our own home.  We're close to our granddaughter.  All five of our children are healthy and safe.  We're getting married into a month.  All good things but stressors as well. 

Today I have more energy though.  I'm thankful.  My garden is blooming.  I'm thankful.  The big guy hugs me lots.  I'm thankful.  I dried my sheets on the line yesterday.  I'm thankful. 


  1. I have never been able to come up with the words to describe depression. I blog about having depression but have yet to be able to be able to get anywhere near the darkness in words.
    I thought my depression would get lighter when I stopped working with palliative patients. It didn't. Actually, now I just feel like I am supposed to be doing something with my life and I am missing the boat.

  2. May all your skill and strength in your extend to yourself. May you press the cloth of patience tenderly to your heart. May you smooth the balm of acceptance upon your brow. May you make space for all that you feel... remembering we can no more forever stay in pain than we can stay out of it. Pain and pleasure come and go, like waves upon the shore of our consciousness. Deeper than the waves, our souls remain, their purpose not to be unchanged, but to abide. With tlc, ZC

  3. ah! that should be skill and strength in your work!

  4. I'm not sure why depression is so hard to overcome. But it is. For some of us it becomes our life's work. On those days when we can feel joyful and thankful and grateful we have won a significant victory. I am often inspired by your struggles, your honesty, and your quiet determination.

  5. I hope the things you are doing and the good events in your life help lead you to a lighter place.

  6. I am so sorry that you've struggled so much this year. You are incredibly strong and resilient -- I read it in your words and see it in your magisterial photos. Sending love and continued strength and courage to you, dear woman.