Monday, 23 May 2016

I seem to be stuck in the past lately.  Full of regrets.  It's dragging me down and I can't change anything in the past.  I am not kind to myself. 

The big guy and I move in a week and a half.  We get married in three months.  There is a lot of change in my life right now, all good things but still I feel depressed.  I have such a hard time with change.  I know things will work out.  We will settle into our new home.  We will sell the condo.  I will have a garden to putter in.  We'll be close by our granddaughter.  It will all be good but right now it feels like an in between space that is not anything real.  My home has been ripped apart and that unsettles me.  I am a creature of habit.  I miss my books.  Miss my paintings. Miss the crappy carpet even because when I say ripped apart, even the carpet is being ripped up to be replaced with laminate.

I feel so silly complaining about good changes but it's just hard.  We've been short staffed for five months now at work.  I'm never sure when I get to work if there will be enough nurses for the day.  It's stressful.  My back is so sore from age and stress and apparently asymmetry. 

But the worst of it is my middle daughter is angry with me.  She's been angry with me for so long.  Now she's angry because she says I care more about the big guy's family than my own family.  It's untrue but it's how she feels.  There is no way to make her happy.  I know she has to figure it out for herself but it's hard to watch.  She hurts and so she hurts.  She is her mother's daughter after all and maybe that's the part that hurt the most, that I taught her to be the way she is.  Critical, impatient and self centred.  Not qualities that I am proud of but that I do have.  I guess I was hoping she would only take on my good qualities.  She is me. 

Maybe that's what's really getting to me.  Looking at her is like at myself when I was a young woman and it's not pleasant.  I like to beat myself up though, even though I can't change the past, can only accept it I still rail against it.  Acceptance is not easy for me.  It feels like defeat.  I guess that's why I keep doing this dance until I figure out how to accept it. 

4 comments:

  1. Change is upsetting and threatening, that's for damn sure. It triggers all sorts of anxiety provoking thoughts and feelings. I related strongly to this post because I suffer from anxiety too. Moving to Florida really kicked my ass. Sorry about your daughter. It is OK to step back a bit from her anger. Sometimes your kids only step forward WHEN you step back. And as for acceptance feeling like defeat - rest assured that is not true. Acceptance is the hardest battle of all, the great work, the real deal. If you can learn to accept, then you are a righteous super hero. Of course, easy to say but hard to do. Sending good thoughts your way.

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  2. Change is so effing hard, even when it's good change. Someone very wise commented on my blog "to be tender with the pain." I think it's very good advice.

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  3. Oh, my. I hope you are able to enjoy the changes, even if they aren't without stresses. Your daughter does indeed have to work it out for herself. And your upcoming move and wedding - that all sounds really positive to me. (And trust me, having just gotten married less than three weeks ago, I totally get how anxiety-provoking even that very good event can be!)

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  4. Change is never easy...often difficult. I enjoy the openness with which you write. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

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