Monday, 23 May 2016
The big guy and I move in a week and a half. We get married in three months. There is a lot of change in my life right now, all good things but still I feel depressed. I have such a hard time with change. I know things will work out. We will settle into our new home. We will sell the condo. I will have a garden to putter in. We'll be close by our granddaughter. It will all be good but right now it feels like an in between space that is not anything real. My home has been ripped apart and that unsettles me. I am a creature of habit. I miss my books. Miss my paintings. Miss the crappy carpet even because when I say ripped apart, even the carpet is being ripped up to be replaced with laminate.
I feel so silly complaining about good changes but it's just hard. We've been short staffed for five months now at work. I'm never sure when I get to work if there will be enough nurses for the day. It's stressful. My back is so sore from age and stress and apparently asymmetry.
But the worst of it is my middle daughter is angry with me. She's been angry with me for so long. Now she's angry because she says I care more about the big guy's family than my own family. It's untrue but it's how she feels. There is no way to make her happy. I know she has to figure it out for herself but it's hard to watch. She hurts and so she hurts. She is her mother's daughter after all and maybe that's the part that hurt the most, that I taught her to be the way she is. Critical, impatient and self centred. Not qualities that I am proud of but that I do have. I guess I was hoping she would only take on my good qualities. She is me.
Maybe that's what's really getting to me. Looking at her is like at myself when I was a young woman and it's not pleasant. I like to beat myself up though, even though I can't change the past, can only accept it I still rail against it. Acceptance is not easy for me. It feels like defeat. I guess that's why I keep doing this dance until I figure out how to accept it.