Friday, 4 March 2016
I'm reading a lovely book. "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler. Just like the title says, it's about cultivating happiness. It's not a how to book but it kind of is. The book has inspired me to be more compassionate, even to those who irritate the living shit out of me. It's making me stand back and look at how I am involved in the dynamics of dysfunctional relationships.
I work with a nurse who is not overly competent. Her fear of making mistakes leads to many more mistakes and what really drives me crazy is that she refuses to accept responsibility for her mistakes. She's been off work since Christmas because she hurt her finger while scraping the ice off her windshield which has been nice, not that she hurt her finger but that she's been off. Without her there the tension has gone way down. There is no underlying feeling of distrust that normally permeates the place when she is there. We are working together as a team most of the time. I feel like I can trust my coworkers to do their bit, something lacking when she is there sadly.
But she's coming back to work at the end of the month and I want to make a concerted effort to feel compassion for her. It must feel awful living in a world where you don't trust anybody. To be constantly on guard, which strangely is how I feel when I am around her, constantly on guard. I want to be able to do this, I want to be able to see her as a deeply flawed human being, just like me. We are both human beings. We both want the same things, to feel loved and to love. To feel safe.
I want to find a way to transcend my old way of dealing with her which is not at all helpful and which wears me out.