We had a lovely weekend in Jasper with my cousin and her husband. On the drive to Jasper though I had a huge meltdown beside the Pembina river. The big guy gave me my birthday gift early and I'll probably never use it so I asked him if he would mind if I returned it. He got huffy and then I got mad and started crying. It went downhill from there.
I don't like receiving gifts. I am often disappointed which sounds so awful and self centered. I remember being a kid at Christmas time and I often felt disappointed on Christmas morning. Except for one year. Our dog was sick that year and needed an operation. My parents told us that we wouldn't be getting gifts because they couldn't afford the operation and Christmas gifts. I was ok with that. And then on Christmas morning there was a brand new Easy Bake Oven under the tree for me. It was the best gift ever. Not only because it was what I wanted but because it was such a surprise. I expected nothing.
And that's where my disappointment comes in, right behind my expectations. Except there's more and I can feel it just outside of my consciousness but can't quite grasp it. I don't like telling people what to get me or what I want because that feels fake and uncomfortable. And to be honest I pretty much have all that I want already. Expectations always bite me in the ass. The gap between how I want the world to be and how the world really is.
The big guy let me have a good cry and then told me that I was a wonderful person. I didn't feel that way. I've pretty much always felt like the difficult, prickly, hard to get along with person. Turns out we had a lovely weekend. It was probably the nicest holiday I've had a long time. I had a chance to get to know my cousin much better and really get to know her husband who happens to be a very down to earth, warm, funny, kind man.
The strange thing is, I love giving gifts. So why am I such an ungrateful gift recipient?