Sunday, 2 August 2015
I did an online quiz this morning, because we all know how accurate and legitimate these quizzes are. Except this one seemed to hit the nail on the head. It was about emotional pain.
"By ‘Pain-Body’, Tolle means emotional pain. Apprehension, hatred, self-pity, remorse, rage, depression, envy etc. are all manifestations of the Pain-Body. All emotional pains suffered by the individual during their life, remain a part of the unconscious of the individual for the rest of their life. All negative emotions, emotional suffering that the individual refuses to face, leave a mark in their unconscious. It is particularly difficult to face with, and to treat powerful negative emotions in childhood. Such unprocessed emotional pains constitute the foundations of Pain-Body. In the collective unconscious, every individual carries their own share of collective human pain that also belongs to the Pain-Body." Frank M. Wanderer
I took the quiz and it didn't surprise me but it did make me think about my childhood. I have a lot of fears and I am what some people call "too emotional". Sometimes it feels like I'm just along for the ride and my emotions just drag me along behind them. I don't want to be a cold person but I do want to be able to speak my mind and deal with conflict without my heart pounding and the pricking of tears in my eyes and nose. Even as I write this sentence I can feel the tears forming in my eyes. Fuck.
My childhood was not awful but it was for me. I could always feel the tension in our house. We all walked on eggshells, trying not to upset my father because he was often angry. When he was angry he would yell and stomp and threaten to leave and grab his car keys and drive away in a spray of gravel as he pulled out of the driveway. Which left my mother, my brother and me shocked and wondering what had just happened. My mother would cry and start wringing her hands. What will become of us? Who will take care of us? What if he really leaves this time? What if he doesn't? It was awful and this is what I remember of growing up. I don't remember kindness from my father, although I'm sure there must have been, I'm hoping, nor do I remember having a conversation with him. He was a tyrant, a furious, shaking tyrant.
And today when faced with anger or conflict, all of the emotions I felt as a child come flooding back and it does feel like flash flood. I am overwhelmed and drowning in emotions of fear. My breathing increases, my heart starts pounding and I become unable to think rationally. I am only feeling. I am five years old again.
I don't want to be five years old still.