Thursday, 12 February 2015
In the past two weeks Katie has been to emergency three times. I don't like emergency rooms. In the last year of my mum's life I spent way too much time in emergency rooms. In the last three weeks of mum's life we went to emergency half a dozen times I think. That was two years ago and in my mind the two were getting mixed together. Katie, Joseph (her caregiver) and I spent all day in emergency on Monday, waiting to see a doctor, waiting for test results, waiting for a room so the doctor could cut into the abscess on Katie's wrist. The next morning when I checked on Katie her hand was worse, swollen and more painful, so back to emergency. She's now on IV antibiotics and doing well. I am so thankful.
I'm scared my daughter will die. I'm even more scared that her death will be a relief. Or I'm scared that my heart will be so badly broken by her death that I will never recover. These are the thoughts I've been having this past week.
There's more I want to write but I'm worn out. My second friend with cancer, also a Shirley, is now in the hospital dying. I wrote her husband an email this evening telling him much I enjoyed working with Shirley. She is a kind, gentle soul with a wonderful sense of humor. I saw her last week at the Cross when she came in for a scan. I gave her a hug and I still find it impossible to believe that she has only days left.
I'm tired of winter. Tired of cancer and death. Tired of illness and doctors. Just tired.