Friday, 20 February 2015
I'm one of those people that displays every single thought and emotion on my face. I don't know how not to do that. I watch other people say one thing and do another. I watch people backstab and lie. I watch people get hurt or angry and yet nothing or very little shows on their faces. Often I feel naked in the world.
When I'm around intense people, I feel it. I feel something inside of myself wind tighter. When things are hectic at work I feel like a whirling dervish. I become faster but also harder, more abrupt. Niceties face away. I can feel this in myself but don't know how to stop it. Angry people scare me. I can feel their anger reach through my skin, my body tenses and I get scared and then I get angry back. Calm people soothe me. The big guy is calm although sometimes I can feel a deep anger within him and it scares me. My own anger scares me as well, afraid of what I might do.
Loud noises make me tense. Too many people. Too much to do. Something winds tighter. I forget that I can let go. Walking is how I let it go. Slowly the thing unwinds, loosens, relaxes. My brain slows down. It's strange that walking faster slows my brain but that is how is works. Moving my body eases my brain.
Strong emotions make me cry. Sometimes I feel ashamed of crying. I want to yell at people that I have no control over what comes out of my tear ducts. Other people are uncomfortable with tears. It's seen as a weakness or a defect.
So am I an emotional wreck or an empath?