Friday, 28 November 2014
I had a patient last week with a tattoo on her arm; it read "Love is the anchor of the soul". I believe that to be true but I think that I must first love myself and trust myself. I grew up in a family in which I was told "Don't feel that way. Don't say that." What was real and what was presented as real didn't always match. I found it very confusing. I still find it very confusing. If I don't like someone, I don't like them. I don't pretend to like them sometimes and then talk about them behind their back. I get confused when people do this and yet I know this is how the world works.
Mostly what I learned from my family was to not trust myself. God, I hope my children trust themselves, although how they might have learned that would be a mystery as I certainly couldn't have taught them that. Living with my ex-husband also taught me to not trust myself. I was the "unstable one" in our relationship, or so I was told. Except I wasn't. My boss at work told me that my "negativity was bringing the whole department down" and I believed him. Except when I look around it's untrue. I have asked co-workers, is this true? Am I bringing the department down and their answer is always no. More craziness. More moments to distrust myself.
So when I feel a knot in my stomach, a pounding in my chest, I try to ignore it, make excuses. It's me.
Along with this learning to trust myself, I'm learning how to accept and love myself as I am. I don't have to be perfect to be loved. I am loving and compassionate. I am also passionate and when I feel emotions strongly, I cry. I cry a lot. When I'm upset, I cook or bake. When I'm bored I'll bake. I like to keep busy and I like to walk outside so that I can hear the trees. I love dogs but I don't want to live with one because I don't want the responsibility anymore. I like my house clean and tidy. I like my workplace clean and tidy too. I am forgetful and sometimes I don't pay attention. I like to exercise and enjoy the feeling of sore muscles the next day. Sometimes I get lost in the past or in the future and forget today. I am very organized. I believe the best of people. I am easily swayed. I am all these things and more and I don't have to change a damn thing to love myself.