Monday, 19 May 2014
The big guy and I continue to struggle and try to communicate with each other with better results. I saw the counselor by myself on Saturday and it was very helpful. I'm trying something called EMDR, which is interesting. We talked about the lack of boundaries in my family which stretches back to my grandmother and I'm sure much further than that. The counselor asked about my first memory and I started to cry. One of my first memories is of me, still in diapers standing in front of my mother; she is crying and saying, " I wish I could just leave." I wondered what I had done wrong and that has been the theme of my life, I've done something wrong. It's my fault. It's what interferes when the big guy and I talk because he asks questions and I become defensive because I feel like I've done something wrong. He's asking for information and I'm defending myself and then I withdraw. It's not a nice dance.
And so life continues. I guess it's comforting to know that I'm never too old to learn more about myself and grow, although sometimes I think, I'm almost fifty-two, shouldn't I have some of this shit sorted out by now.