Saturday, 26 April 2014


It's been a difficult but interesting two weeks.  Two weeks ago I kicked the big guy out.  I won't go into details but things weren't working.  The next day I woke up with a sore neck.  Two days later I agreed to try one more time with the big guy but there were conditions to his coming back.  We're trying.  It's not just him, it is me as well.  I have baggage that I drag along with me that dates back to my childhood, as do we all.  We're both working on things with a counselor.

My shoulders continue to pain me and yes, I know it is stress. Last week I had to come home from work because I was in so much pain.  I've tried physio, massage, hot packs, ice packs, stretches, muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories with mixed results.  Last Tuesday I spent over an hour wearing my lead apron at work and my neck went into such spasms that I wanted to cry.  That's when I went to the physiotherapist.  My neck is better but still tight. 

I talked to my girlfriend with cancer two days ago.  The radiation therapy and the chemotherapy have not eradicated the cancer in the lymph nodes;  she will need surgery in June to remove the lymph nodes.  She told me, "Then I will be cured."  I wanted to cry when I heard her say that.  I no longer believe in cancer cures.  Her cancer has spread beyond it's original site.  The doctors can try to slow it down but she now has cancer cells circulating in her system.  It's only a matter of time before these cells set up shop someplace else. 

I'm not sure if she believes she can be cured or if it's only her minds way of protecting her from the awful truth.  It doesn't really matter I suppose, what will be, will be.  She still has now.  I don't know how I would be, a basket case I'm thinking.  I hesitate to call or visit her for fear that what I know will show on my face and destroy her hope.  I don't want to do that.  She is my friend and I love her dearly.  I would never want to destroy her hope.  I guess I need to take a deep breathe and visit her, listen to her, love her. It's all I can do.  I need to put away my own fears, my own knowledge and be present for her.

And so it goes.  Spring has finally arrived in the north.  The snow has gone.  Spring rains have been washing the city clean in preparation for all manner of blooms to burst forth.  It's so strange, me who hates change so much, enjoys spring and fall the most, the times of change. 

7 comments:

  1. That opening photo is so beautiful -- stark and barren and life-filled, nevertheless. Just like your words, here.

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    1. The photo was taken at Medicine Lake, near Jasper. It is emptied by a series of sinkholes so the water level varies throughout the year.

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  2. Too much knowledge can be a very dangerous thing, yes? I tend to think like you. I have never really seen someone cured from cancer. It just lays in wait and then strikes again in a few years at a new site.

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    1. The oncology course I took was very informative, too informative at times.

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  3. Here via KJ - you commented on her post, "I'll be fifty two this fall." And I thought, "Me, too!" and had to come over.

    I cringe when patients tell me they think they or someone they love is going to make it when they have mets and I know their real odds. But I guess it's how people keep fighting, so I don't say otherwise.

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    1. Welcome. I think it is a defense mechanism that allows us to continue on in the face of death.

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  4. What a thoughtful sensitive post, deb. First of all, I know your decision about the big guy will be the right one for you.

    Cure is not a word I could use either but still, there are instances or miracles or whatever they can be called . Sometimes I envy people who lean on not knowing instead of information. Myself, I'm grateful I 'm not dealing with cancer and illness

    Love love deb
    kj

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