Monday, 6 January 2014
It's a New Year. Last year was tough, losing my mum. I still miss her but it's getting much better. I miss her smile and her sense of humor but I don't miss the doctors and emergency and the endless worry, which makes me feel like a traitor. I don't miss my siblings either which is sad. I wish they had been there for my mum but they weren't for whatever their reasons. They have to live with their decisions, not me but it does still bother me the pain they caused mum. She deserved better from her own children. Or maybe not. What do I know?
I still see the world as I want it to be, not how it really is. Sometimes that's not such a bad thing. I forget easily anymore which makes life easier. I don't hold grudges like I once did, or not as long. I still hope for the best from people which of course causes problems, because they are human and often disappoint. But I'm willing to live with that disappointment because I don't want to live without the hope for the best from people. If that makes any sense.
I thankful for my friends, who I lost touch with over the past two years, caring for and grieving for mum. They were waiting for me when I pulled my head out of my ass and I'm thankful for that. I've spent the past month reconnecting with friends.
I'm thankful for the mountains which pull me back so often with their beauty and their peace. There are images of the mountains all over my workplace now which I love to look at, I can feel my soul settle when I see the images. I remember the day, the feel of the place, the calm, the beauty, the bigness that reminds me of my place in the world.
I'm thankful for my children who are mostly happy. My two oldest have loving partners and hopefully one day we'll figure out a way to reduce KT's anxiety and behaviors.
I'm thankful for my job and the patients I work with who remind me daily that life is short and precious.
This year I'm hopeful that I learn how to deal with conflict better. I still run and hide at the first sign of conflict, still feel like a small, scared girl when conflict arises. Except I'm not anymore.
What are you thankful for this past year?
What do you hope to do better this coming year?