Sunday, 4 December 2016

Katie had a rough morning.  She banged up her face pretty good.  I'm not sure what happened.  I've emailed her team leader because the staff who was explaining to me what happened has a very heavy accent and to be honest I'm not sure what he said.  I know Katie hurts herself.  She scratched her roommate while her roommate was still in bed this morning.  I know Katie feels a lot of remorse when she hurts people and I know that she will hurt herself when she's upset.

What I don't know is how to stop this.  It's not getting better, it just keep getting worse.  I know part of it is communication, or lack of it.  Part of it is her staff not knowing sign language.  Part of it is Katie not knowing how to express what she feels.  Her feelings usually come out in actions.  Part of it is anxiety.  Part of it is a fucking cape and wheelchair to protect the people around her.  Part of it is a brain that can't cope and is stuck in permanent fight or flight mode. 

I don't know how to help her and it breaks my heart.

Sunday, 27 November 2016

I lost my post.  Maybe the universe is telling me something.

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

It's been snowing here.  Grey, heavy laden skies with no sun and yet it is beautiful.  The trees have been stripped of their leaves and stand naked, bare limbs painted with hoar frost.

I still struggle with change, believing that it is forever and not just a season.  I forget that life is a circle, that patterns repeat.  That I have no control.  That I need to accept. 

I wonder if trees struggle with acceptance.  Do they ever wish to pull up their roots?  Do they long to be free?  Or do they know that where they are is the best place for them? 

Friday, 11 November 2016

Sunday, 6 November 2016

This is how I feel so often;  a small boat, which is fine as long as the seas are calm but there are always storms.  There are many days when I struggle to just stay afloat.  I'm not depressed now but it always lurks there, in the background, ready to strike when I'm at my most vulnerable.

External stress, lack of control in particular, rocks my boat.  Work has been short staffed again.  Last Monday, my first line patient of the day was a woman two years older than me with metastatic colon cancer.  I asked her if her chemo had started and she said no, there was no more chemo.  She was here for MAID.  I had no idea what that was so I asked her.  It's an acronym for medical assistance in dying.  My eyes teared up and I started crying. 

Her body was riddled with cancer.  She was in constant pain and it was only going to get worse.  She opted to end her life when the time was right for her, not when the cancer had destroyed her.  I apologized to her for crying and we were able to talk.  She had terrible veins.  The doctor and she decided to put in a central line to ensure there were no problems on the day of her death. 

I fully support a person's right to choose their time of death and to be honest I think that when people are given back that control, it can allow them to live more fully until they do decide to die.  My patient died on Friday, with her friends and family beside her.  She was at peace with her decision and it was not an easy decision to make she told me.  She died at home, her husband beside her.  A good death.  It's what we all hope for.

When we don't have enough people at work it's difficult to spend time with the patients who need it but I refuse to rush some things.  It is a disservice to my patients but it takes it's toll on me.  This past week I decided to stop rushing.  Coworkers, techs, docs, managers, they'll all have to wait because the work I do is important and I'm not going to short change my patients.  They deserve better.

And this decision helped me to right my boat.  The water calmed itself.  The storm was self induced.  I just need to remember this.  I can calm myself.  I can slow down.  I can make a difference in the world one person at a time and that's important. 

Friday, 4 November 2016

I have a thing for heart shaped rocks. 

Things I'm thankful for today.

Katie hasn't hurt herself in the last week.
Homemade baked potato soup for supper.
A glass of wine.
Hugs from the big guy.
Some lovely coworkers.
Humor in all it's many forms.
I made it through the week.
I have decided to stop pushing myself so hard at work.  So far I've managed two days and I feel better.  Still tired but far less PVCs. 
I wasn't bitchy at work for the past two days.
I hate being bitchy, I feel bad afterwards.
Beautiful warm, sunny days.  Hard to believe it's November.
This video by the Dalai Lama which helped me understand true forgiveness.

What are you thankful for today?

Saturday, 29 October 2016

My ticker is giving me a hard time.  It's unhappy with how I've lived my life and it's now protesting by throwing out PVCs on a regular basis.  These PVCs are usually benign but they leave me feeling light headed and short of breath.  The most common cause is stress. 

I live a life filled with stress and anxiety.  If there isn't something to worry about, I find something.  I feel bad about the past and worry endlessly about the future, all the while missing out on right now.  My heart is telling me it's time to change, to let go of my worry but I don't know how to;  it's so deeply ingrained in my character. 

I guess I need to find a way.