Monday, 10 October 2016

We're back from holidays.  I've never been to the Maritimes and had a wonderful time.  It was good to relax, to have no commitments, to not worry about anything.  I had time to recharge my batteries and spend time outside.  The ocean is a wonderful balm to the soul. 

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Things I'm thankful for today.

We're leaving on holidays for the Maritimes on Saturday.  The big guy and I both need a holiday.
There is a new grandbaby coming in the springtime:)
My bed and fleece blankets.
Flowers on my birthday.
Mostly I'll be thankful to spend time in the fresh air, by the sea. 
I'll be able to take lots of photos.
I can forget about real life and it's problems for a short time and just be.
Did I mention the sea?
And time to just hang out with the big guy, no work, no work talk.
Time to just relax.  There has been precious little of that in the last six months.

What are you thankful for today?

PS I miss reading your blogs.

Monday, 5 September 2016

Things I'm thankful for today.

This man, my new husband.  A giant of a man with a heart to match.  He's helping his granddaughter here, our granddaughter.  She wasn't quite sure what was going on but the umbrella helped.

The weather cooperated and we were able to be married outdoors, in Jasper.  Special shout out to Mother Nature for the lovely job she did decorating:)

My son and daughter were there for my wedding, my son even showed up on time which surprised me.

I have a new daughter and son.

Friends who came to share the day with us.

I lovely, relaxing weekend.

A stress free wedding day.

What are you thankful for today?

Thursday, 25 August 2016

The big guy pointed out to me that part of my rut is getting stuck in the negative and he's right.  He suggested I try writing about the good.

In nine days I'm marrying my sweetest friend.  The photo above is where we're getting married.  When the big guy and I first started dating he was shocked to find out that I'd never been to Jasper; I'd been through Jasper many times but had never stayed there.  Pyramid Lake was one of the first places he took me.  There's an island on Pyramid Lake that you get to by a walking bridge and it's on that island that will we say our vows. 

When you're on the island we can see our two favorite mountains, Mount Edith Cavell and Pyramid Mountain.  The first few visits I fell in love with the island and we said that if/when we got married, that it would be on the island.  Next weekend, that will happen in front of our friends and children and granddaughter.

I love the big guy with my whole heart.  He accepts me as I am, hurts, baggage, past, everything.  I don't disappoint him.  He doesn't want me to be anything other than who I am.  He listens to me.  He sees me.  He knows me and still loves me.  He is steadfast and loyal.  He's smart and funny and kind.  He has a heart of gold that he tries to hide sometimes but I always see it, shining. 

I am thankful for our life together and I'm so happy to be marrying him.

This is our song.


One of the big guy's photos.

I'm supposed to be taking a break from work today, a day to relax, but still I worry.  I was raised on worry, taught it at a young age by my mother and my father, fed a daily diet of it for many years.  The world is not a safe place.  Bad things happen.  Don't think that.  Don't be like that.  How should I be?  Is it wrong to be me?

Worry has carved deep ruts into my brain and my heart, ruts that sometimes I can't climb out of without help.  The worry serves no purpose but it is so familiar.  I wear it like a familiar old jacket.  It fits my body, although of late it feels too tight, restrictive even.  I recognize it's smell and the feel of it against my skin. 

I breathe.  I tell myself to breathe.  In and out, that this will help.  I try.  Breathe in, breathe out and fall back into a rut.  My brain races.  I snap. I feel irritated for no good reason.  I breathe in, breathe out.  I want out of these ruts.

I'm rereading a very good book, "Becoming The Kind Father" by Calvin Sandborn.  Although he is talking about men, his idea of a kind parent resonates with me.  I am not kind to myself.  I beat myself up.  I have a nonstop reel inside my head that tells me shit and pushes me back into those ruts. 

Who the fuck convinced me that I was such an awful person?  That's what I want to know.  And why?  Why did they do that?  Or was it just me?  Did I convince myself that I was this awful person?

I look around and wonder how others do it.  How do they get through life?  What do they tell themselves?  Would it work for me?  Is it even me?