Saturday, 24 October 2020
Thursday, 22 October 2020
Tuesday, 20 October 2020
I'm home sick again. I had my flu shot yesterday and now I have a runny nose and cough. It could be a side effect from the flu shot or it could be a different virus. Regardless I can't go to work coughing so here I am, home.
The dogs are curled up on couches, as is the cat. There is a skiff of snow on the ground but it's cold enough now that it's not going anywhere. Yay.
I've done more reading about sociopaths and it would seem that my son pretty much fits all the criteria which is sad but helpful for me. I can stop expecting him to ever behave like a normal human being. He operates without empathy or remorse and I will stop expecting that. He doesn't follow rules, not even court ordered rules and that's not going to change either. He always manipulates and will use whatever is at hand to manipulate people with. Children are not loved for themselves but rather because they are possesions. Knowing this makes it easier for me to be a hardass with him. He won't love me less, he can't really love anyone and it's not my fault. He is what he is and that won't change. It's sad but it's also true.
The honeymoon with his wife is also over. He's been abusing her and they've split up mutiple times but she's having a hard time getting rid of him. Lies, charm and promises. He needs a wife and a house to succeed in court so he will hang onto his wife as long as is possible. I feel so bad for her but she is an adult and chose him.
And so life goes on. I'm in the middle of painting and setting up a sewing room for quilting downstairs in the basement which we never use, partly because I'm bored and partly because it will be nice to set up my sewing machine and not have to put everything away when we have a meal in the dining room.
I bought a cheap table and repainted it. I bought paint for the ceiling and walls as well and that will make the space bright and fresh. I have a radio down there and all will be well. My next quilt is a quilt for the little guy's bed. I've already started cutting it out and hope to get it done before he's sleeping in a bed.
And I'm kind of burned out, with work and with taking care of the little guy. I'll have to figure out how to do things differently because I can't carry on like this.
Thursday, 15 October 2020
It's cold here today and yesterday it snowed a little, just enough to wet the streets but a harbinger of things to come. There is a snowfall warning for tomorrow which means I should get outside and poop scoop today. Winter feels like things are closing in, more time indoors, more darkness and more illnesses. I feel like we're all stuck in limbo, waiting with little to look forward to.
I know I' lucky. I have a job, a home, I can pay my bills, the big guy and I are both relatively healthy and I know that winter will end and the pandemic will eventually peter out but I still feel down.
I'm off today so I got to sleep in which helps. I have time to putter in the kitchen and I may start making a quilt for my grandson.
Yesterday at work I had a patient, who is an older woman, in terrible pain. She has multiple myeloma which is a type of bone cancer. Multiple myeloma causes lytic lesions in the bones. This is what they look like.
As you can imagine, it's painful. There is no cure for multiple myeloma, only treatment and that eventually fails and patients die, "The most common cause of death related to multiple myeloma is infection, with pneumonia being the most common fatal infection. Other common causes of death are bleeding (from low platelet counts), complications of bone fractures, kidney failure, and blood clots in the lungs."
This woman was in a lot of pain and I contacted her nurse practioner who asked that I send the patient to her for a medication change. The patient wanted to know why she was in so much pain so in the middle of the waiting room I had to explain why she was in so much pain. She asked what they could do and I explained that only the chemo can help; I didn't say that the chemo eventually becomes ineffective. I sent my patient off for new meds, I hope and then I thought of my girlfriend with multiple myeloma and I saw her future and it broke my heart.
A patient that we treated years ago is back. I don't even know what kind of cancer she has but it's back. She's a lovely woman, smart and serious and gentle. And she's back with us, first a CT scan, then a biopsy and then more treatment. Fuck I hate cancer!
The dumpster fire south of the border stresses me out but we have our own dumpster fire here, it's called the UCP party and they think they can fix Alberta with deep health care cuts. The leader is a man who never graduated from university, he dropped out, and has worked as a politican his whole life. He's a right wing POS and it makes me feel angry and sick to my stomach.
I have to remember what I have control over, precious little really. This will pass. Right?
Sunday, 11 October 2020
The little guy and Lucy having a great time.
Our grandson visited with his dad yesterday. My son asked for five hours visits, the judge gave him two hours and my son spent less than an hour yesterday spending time with his son. My son wanted to take his son swimming yesterday, the judge and everyone agreed on the library and my son was livid. I sat in the library knitting, trying to appear calm while my guts were tied in knots. I am terrified of anger, especially angry men, a throwback to my father I'm guessing. My father never laid a hand on me, he didn't have to, I was terrified of his anger. Even typing this makes me cry.
But I'm a grown woman know, I understand where my father's anger came from but my gut doesn't forget. Later in the day my son texts me as if everything is fine and the disconnect gets worse for me. I was there, I remember how angry he was and he pretends as if everything was normal. I won't pretend anymore.
My grandson is safe, I fullfilled my obligations, I did what I could.
I also cancelled Thanksgiving dinner which was causing me far more stress than I realized and my sister in law emailed me back; she felt relieved that I had cancelled and thanked me. My brother is diabetic and she worries about him getting COVID. We will see each other another time.
Life continues on. We will pick up Miss Katie this morning but no walk today. It's windy and raining right now. We will drive by the horses, drive to the dog park to look at the dogs and then we'll have a walk in the mall and some lunch, topped off by a balloon.
I feel like I'm waiting, like we're all waiting, for life to start again. I remember feeling like this when I was younger. Life will start when... But this is life right now, a part of life and I need to remember that.
Stay safe my friends.
Wednesday, 7 October 2020
The skies are still blue, even as the temperature continues to drop. Thanksgiving is this weekend here and I'm stressed. My sister in law, whom I haven't seen in seven years, is supposed to come for supper with my neice and nephew. The problem is that COVID cases are spiking in Edmonton and I wonder if this is a good idea. I thought about eating outside but it's supposed to be cold with the chance of rain on Saturday. I'm still undecided which I don't like. I like to know what's happening and like the rest of the world right now, I don't know what's happening.
Work has been busy because, cancer. Yesterday there was a patient who showed up for her MRI scan; she didn't make it past screening at the front door but still, she came with a cough, runny nose, red nose and eyes, a fever and no mask. Apparently once someone comes in our front door they become our responsibility so she was covered up and sent to Systemic to a get swab done, but not without first exposing all of the other patients waiting in line and the screeners at the front to her germs. WTF.
We had our grandson the last two mornings. Gracie starts work at seven, so she drops him off at our house at 5:45 and then we take him to daycare. After work we pick him up from daycare, feed him supper, play with him and give him a bath before she picks him up at seven. We're all tired and I'm thankful I have today off.
The little guy has discovered ketchup. He's also discovered how much fun it is to play with our beagle. When he has a piece of food in his hand, Lucy will chase him around the house, sniffing him, trying to get the food out of his hand. She's surprisingly gentle with him and he laughs and snorts as he runs around the house with Lucy in hot pursuit.
He's such a sweet little guy and I love him so. He does our hearts good.
Saturday, 3 October 2020
My COVID test came back negative so I'm no longer grounded as my husband put it. We took the dogs out to Beaver Hills again yesterday and Heidi had a wonderful time. So did Lucy but she can't be off leash there because of her nose. Everything there is too tempting. We saw some grouse I think, well, I know we saw some birds, just not sure if they were grouse, and a white tailed deer flashed across the trail in front of us.
Last week we had to go to court because of my son. He wants court ordered visitation with our grandson which nobody ever denied him. We hired a lawyer for Gracie and went to court. My son can visit his son every other Saturday for two hours in a public place, the library, while my husband and I watch which is fine. He is also now on the hook for $321/month of child support. Again, all good. My son only lasted an hour with his son at the first visit and he hasn't paid any support so far, even though the court ordered it to be paid on the 1st of every month.
And now comes the bad part, my son is abusing his new wife. She reached out to Gracie and they messaged. My son has been punching his wife, stealing her car, controling her, changing her passwords, using all of his money for drugs and debts while his wife is supporting him. Gracie told her to make a police report and I asked her if she needed help. And the best news, my son's wife is not pregnant thankfully. The shit show contiunes.
This time though it's not keeping me awake at night. My son is a sociopath and I've come to accept that. I don't like it but I will not let my guard down with him again. It's also not my fault. I loved that boy. I was the best mum I could be for him and he still went off the rails. That's on him.